just ghosts with voices.

Dysfunctionally Functional

2010-07-22T14:41:00.000-07:00

When I hear arguments going on in my home, not those mundane arguments over the TV or washing the plates but real serious arguments, I wonder how many other households are hearing the same arguments about weight or money or work. 'Of course they do' you'll instantly say. 'Everybody has the same problems', 'nobody is perfect'. Would you say this would make a family dysfunctional therefore? No, probably not. But then what do we define as dysfunctional? In the eyes of society we don't admit that our fathers have drinking problems, our brothers need to lose weight, our sisters seem to have a jealousy complex that makes them resent us, or that our mothers take on far too much and everyone suffers as a consequence because she IS what makes this family 'function'. It's easy to get lost in what can be defined as functional consequently. Maybe our perceptions of what society should accept are making us dysfunctional in our bid to be functioning. Or rather to try and be what we are expected to be only proves that we are not and provides as complete and desperate irony. The notion of a 'functioning family' has changed over time; a single-parent family is no longer 'dysfunctional', divorce is no longer 'dysfunctional', families where teenage daughters too have children is no longer 'dysfunctional'. Since when has any domestic sitcom given a prime example of a fully functioning family? In order to keep viewers entertained our aired faux-families often have to deal with incest, death, prison and adultery all under the same roof. Narcissistically we are gratified by the misfortunes of others for our own entertainment and pleasure. Likewise coming from a dysfunctional family has become an excuse for failure, a stereotype to describe the unruly or the bad and even glamorous in terms of what defines you as cool or popular.

I guess my misanthropy makes ME dysfunctional, I can all but wonder whether there is such a thing as a definite 'functional' anything, and whilst we can think our household lot is better or worse than our neighbours, friends or acquaintances from the outside we won't ever know. I hope after such soul-searching that I will never worry again whether my family is 'ok' or 'right' as I don't think such a definition exists. But wouldn't life be simple if a template could be applied to everything, and lest we be judged accordingly and know once and for all whether we exceed or fall short of what we are meant to be.

Three Lions or Three Rabbits?

2010-06-14T08:00:00.000-07:00

The World Cup is in full motion and I'm euphoric with football fever. I haven't missed a game so far regardless of the fact that besides Germany's performance yesterday the play has been very VERY boring. I find it funny that the media have spurned a football pundit in absolutely everybody, even the saps who have never been into football before talk pitch technique... badly I might add. The swarms of girls/women coming into work with tight-fitting England slogan shirts (not actually England strips) is comical, a few slogans to take note of being 'want to score with me?', 'I'm a team player' and 'I'm a top shot'.... there aren't enough emot-icon winks in the World to satisfy those.

I feel so unpatriotic to say however that I don't have much faith in our team. It just isn't the sum of its parts. Individually the players fit in their premiership teams, but there is no cohesion as a national unit, too many big egos in my opinion. Prominent players of the past 15 years have been those that stay away from the media and paparazzi, who don't dwell in fast cars and promiscuity. Take Owen, Shearer, Gerrard and Sheringham (who bizarrely only became a media rat post retirement). I just think as the England squad they forget what playing the beautiful game is all about, the glory and hype of the keen English fans has completely gone to their heads. Rooney went on that pitch knowing the entire country thought he was the big daddy, I forgot he was even there on Saturday....

Football jargon aside, I wish more people would have a lion's confidence to be themselves, instead of succumbing to the headlights that are peer-pressure and trend, and becoming a fake entity that is not only completely obvious but dangerously vulnerable.

The Power of Three

2010-06-01T05:27:00.000-07:00

Overhearing a phone conversation the other day between my mum and my aunt, they were discussing my aunt's current bad luck, and the fact that incidents like that 'always happen in threes. It got me thinking about my current affluence in 'luck' or if I dare to say it, my lack of 'bad luck'. There are 230945094 reasons why I hate my job, and my financial situation is anything but to be desired, but beyond the odd film evoking emotion in me or my short temper rearing its ugly head, I'm happy.

My failure to be understood is my biggest problem. I've got this ostentatious chip on my shoulder about girls outing each other, and physical appearance being so socially predominant. I'll always be hindered by a frustration of wanting the rest of the World to see these things the way I do, it's hard not to become consumed with how cruel and shit the world is. I'm in a constant personal tug of war between being a fantasist and a realist. I'm both the world's scorned enemy and jealous lover. If all the real 'emo' music in the world doesn't take me through this summer then I'll feel it has been thoroughly wasted. Mineral and Elliott have made me impassioned, exonerated and harbouring a reckless determination to live life full of lust.

Dusk and Summer

2010-05-24T12:52:00.000-07:00

It's been months since my last post. I don't know whether it was because I lost all mental-verbal ability to transform my thoughts into written prose or because I just didn't have anything I felt I had to publish onto this virtual platform. I guess my involvement cyber-wise reached a pinnacle with the notorious formspring.me, I became ashamed of myself when I realised its subconscious striving for attention amongst its holders, and the brazen insecurity/cruelty/pathetic nature of its posters. In an honesty that's been stripped of all metaphors and lengthy often confusing sentences: I've had the worst time since last summer. I haven't enjoyed being me very much. And I've particularly resented the world I live in. At times, my rationality gets complacent and I get scared and hateful of a planet that seems to be inhabited by the worst examples of humanity and I fear for my future, if there is one. I came to realise that I have to live in a world where for 85% of the time I live in a state of what I'd consider rational apathy, and worry only about what decisions to make and not the fact that work ethic and self-sufficiency has reached an all time low, and the planet is becoming just like Transmetropolitan- just without all the cartoon tits and pornographic references.... oh actually...

Without deviating, I can honestly say I'm feeling positive and hopeful. I yearn for a summer of old emo music and the best times with the most amazing people. I've got someone in my life who makes me so happy when we're together that I could die, every ignorant fucker I serve at work or happen to come across on facebook won't change the way I'm feeling right now. I just hope I've maintained enough of my humour to post here.... I've missed that feeling of a literary purge, and all the drama that comes with it.

Society Is All But Rude

2010-02-25T02:16:00.001-08:00

I haven't written on here for a while for fear of completely and literarily losing my shit. So many things about the world I live in right now make me angry. Whilst I am the protagonist of my own life I, unlike Andrew Marvell's Gardener, do not believe myself to be the protagonist of others'.

The Sad Truth

2010-02-24T03:19:00.000-08:00

'I dream of a world where flags are nothing but cloth and the only thing that matters is love, life and freedom. Where the bottom line doesn't determine life and we aren't defined by income bracket, a pretty house, faith, a lack thereof or a fucking degree.
Where we think before we act and act before we critique. Where we think about who is next and make it cleaner than how we found it. Where we mean what we say and only say what we mean and where ideals are meant to better ourselves and where we aren't afraid to say "I can't". Where "sorry" is a liberating word and "thank you" comes from the heart and where we don't just watch but we decide to act.
Where we refuse to live only until its time to die. Where feelings and desires mean more than quotas, expectations and disappointed stares. Where we have a right to hurt, scream, cry, live, die and sit in silence just because we fucking can.
I dream of a world where I can love you in spite of what keeps us apart and where second best is as good as first or a millionth. where we don't over analyze every breath or under appreciate what our words mean to another. Where we find comfort in silence and a place of peace in all of the noise and where everything that is thrown at us makes us better, stronger and more appreciative.
Where we celebrate life, death and all that comes in between. Where songs sing to us and a loved ones' words make us dance. Where what we see in a mirror is a happy, satisfied and fulfilled individual and where we feel bad about how we look at others and not just because of how others look at us.
I dream of a world where I can love you, where I can feel you and where I can know you without having to own you, without having to hate you or without having to fuck you. A world where I can love you, where I can feel you, where I can know you. Know you without having to own you, without having to hate you, without having to fuck you. Without having to fuck you in more ways than one. Without having to own you, without having to hate you, without having to fuck you in more ways than one.
Where a smile isn't a rare gift and where sadness isn't a curse and where the two together make life worth living. Where media doesn't define friend or foe and doesn't tell me how to look, how to feel, how to act and how to live. Where a flower, a smile, a thought, a touch, a smell makes it all worth it and the hardest words are nothing but poetry that spills from our mouth.'

Existentialism Continued...

2010-02-04T02:28:00.000-08:00

Every essay I ever have the intention of completing always seems like some kind of contingency before I actually get it finished. I've given up with physical 'to-do' lists as my theoretical and mentally contained list of activities I have yet to complete seems to be not only eternal but consistently shape-shifting like a Ditto that I'm never going to catch in a Pokeball.

The passport was created in Britain with the intention of allowing any British holder to go wherever they chose without objection. Whilst the country still maintains the arrogance to think it's top dog, my intentions of working in America this summer are consistently impeded by Visas, social security, work insurance and generally this notion I appear to get as a traveller that unless I'm desiring to further spoil any of the Spanish/Greek isles or go somewhere in the common wealth then I'm generally not welcome.

As you can tell, my current ability to feel drastically sorry for myself is still in vivacious motion.

Reverently Alone

2010-01-28T08:15:00.000-08:00

I wish self-confidence was something physical and tangible so I could take it in my hands or keep it in my pocket so I didn't have to look for it on a daily basis. As I step further away from parental guidance I find my self-belief diminishing and this nihilistic, shirking form invade where I lose all sense of self worth and intellectual assertiveness. It's funny what ability the modern surroundings have in reducing someone (namely me) into a reclusive and unassured mess of indignation and unease. Tempted by the consumerist plight of the media and capitalism I am then thrust back into the grasp of self-depreciation because I'm not boasting whatever perverse bodily form the fashion magazines are imposing upon our increasingly impressionable youth.

People wonder why I'm isolationist. I'm just looking for an escape, I care no longer whether it is something I have materially and fictionally conjured up between the pages of books and comics, between the four walls of my room that I feel I will never grow to resent. As long as I never have to face up to what the World expects me to be I think I'm going to be just fine.

To Do's and Dont's.

2010-01-27T03:36:00.000-08:00

When something unfortunate happens to me, it seems to spurn some sort of avalanche of unfortunate events until I'm suffocating under a ton of misfortune and am feeling desperately sorry for myself. I've broken the washing machine and I have a million things to do. My ability to write lists and use them seems to have been made redundant by my own self-pity. I consistently wish I possessed the aptitude to make certain decisions, and didn't have to mix my words just to get something off my chest without actually saying what the problem is. My life is just a metaphor I can't create but will spend forever trying to describe.

I am so grateful for anyone that loves me for the way I am.

Amateur Psycho-analogy.

2010-01-08T11:51:00.000-08:00

It's funny how I'm always wondering what the people who see me in a negative light are thinking about me right now. That's if they're thinking about me at all. I personally find I only ever think with particular intensity about the people I'm very very fond of, and the people I can't stand. I, as a result think this habit exists in everyone who knows me, and dislikes me. And even though I don't care, I'm thinking about what they're thinking right now.

It's also funny how it's the fleeting thoughts that really consume my mental being for any given amount of time. One day I think I'm going to write all my particularly quirky thoughts and the ideas/divergences that they transcend to into a book, and illustrate it with amateur drawings.

It just particularly provides as a distraction for all the things I don't want to be pondering. I suppose.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

2010-01-07T12:05:00.000-08:00

It's 2010 and I've never wanted a previous year to return like I do right now. This year has already been plagued with injustices and general day-to-day bullshit and it's when personal misfortune begins to pile up that one begins to analyse better times and inner cynicism as well as self-depreciation occurs. I feel little need in detailing what has made me become so self-consumed and pitiful, I just vowed as some pseudo- resolution for the (somewhat overrated) New Year's zeitgeist that I'd get online and write this more, and just write more generally. For someone who used to be so self-driven I'm floating amongst a sea of half-fledged ideas and unfinished projects.

I'm finally getting down with some reading and have just started the Transmetropolitan series by Warren Ellis under Vertigo. It's dark, utterly crude and disastrously fitting for my current state of mind. Regardless of my distaste for the way this year has started I pledge to stay on top of my work at University so I can continue reading and writing and being narcissistic. I'm so scared of losing my intellectualism to my own disappointment at the way things always turn out. I'm increasingly likening myself to the hare who lost the race, not because she thought she was better than the tortoise, but burnt out before she was old enough to understand what she should have done with her agility.

'Opening Skinner's Box'

2009-12-17T10:47:00.000-08:00

So far my bid to avoid the internet more frequently than not is proving a success. I now tend to write small passages into my planner as opposed to logging on here to allow it to descend into a full blown rant about someone on the motor-way or an incident that happened at work. I've found myself immersed in literature recently that provides life with a point that goes beyond me trying to find acceptance amongst my lines of erratic prose. I got to this crossroads theoretically where I couldn't find a reason for what I was doing. This developed into me feeling like I had to find this point to life. Lauren Slater writes 'Opening Skinner's Box' with an evaluation of what we do and don't know about the human mind. She comments cleverly on Sartre's view that human beings throughout life are essentially lost, and I suppose if I'm always looking for life to have some point to it, essentially I'm lost too.

I will instead adopt Skinner's belief that anyone can be trained to do anything: I've trained myself to just not give a shit.

Monotony and How it Gets That Way.

2009-11-12T08:40:00.000-08:00

Ok, this predicament I've appeared to have got myself in was initiated with my tattooing of a sugar cube on my left inner ankle. I don't currently have a picture but its physical existence is irrelevant. My mum seems to think I have ruined my life because I've got something the size of a 20p piece permenantly emblazoned on my left lower limb. But it is in the debate that ensued between us over said tattoo that I realised my ridiculous tendancy to pull such ridiculous acts to purely break the chain. As a student holding down two part time jobs my life has this mind-numbing ability to full on repeat itself. Monotony is my worst enemy; coupled with my sporadic impulsiveness it makes for me doing really REALLY stupid things. (some of which I would never verbalize but instead bury them mentally).

I just resent the fact that my life has this boring consistency, perhaps its surrounding myself with people who do different things or the fact that I've always just put myself out there a little bit more than everyone else. I just can't handle living life like a normal person, and having routine that extends beyond my insistence on going for a run 4 times a week. So this is a declaration: I am justifying anything ridiculous I do from now on as I do it purely to remain sane. I never regret anything particularly so I don't see what the problem is. I'm also going to apologise for the amount of drama I manage to cause in my postings on the interweb; me and my intellect have this problem called 'losing control' and 'not knowing our limits'. Normally results in some furious keyboard bashing and people wanting to kill me from all areas of the globe.

I LOVE my life.

The Pro's and Con's of Academics

2009-10-22T07:52:00.001-07:00

So it's only taken me 5 weeks of being here for me to formulate my analysis of university into World Wide Web (and probably rarely read) words. A few things: sitting in any public place here at UEA (which accounts for about 88% of it) you realise that university students do not wash. This is evident by not only their attire and general disheveled appearance but more noteably by the way they smell. Another thing is that their inability to wash also seems to create an inexplainable heat - in the computer suites in particular I have to get in a state of undress just so I can work without getting heat stroke. Not that work is easy to complete because upon exploration of the library THERE ARE NEVER ANY BOOKS. Well not the ones I want to read anyway. I end up personally tracking them down and bartering with people to do trades. Dire.

On a more positive note, I have so far discovered 4 different places to get hot chocolate, that the hive does amazing Chocolate Cake and I can get away with parking for free very close to campus for the majority of the time. The work load for the next month or so is ridiculous, but in text book fashion this doesn't stop me doing anything everyone else would consider pointless, such as writing this blog...

Incident to take specified note of today is the verbal destruction suffered of one of the students in my seminar group about an hour ago. Poor bastard chose the wrong seminar leader to do wrong by. Vic Morgan is an academic demon - I fear not only my hour with him every Thursday but just what is going to happen to me when I hand in my essay to him in 2 weeks time.
I am in educational seclusion as of... NOW.

Lost in Translation.

2009-10-14T03:39:00.000-07:00

Life appears to be fleeting and flitting between consistency and complete chaos. Suprisingly this isn't my usual announcement of woe; my current life's inability to form some sort of valid structure is somewhat edifying and is not only encouraging me to live life to the fullest but to forget all that looks to subvert my almost apocryphal path to self-righteousness. (This in itself isn't particularly necessary, I'm already particularly pretentious).

Asides being busy one day and habitually absent the next I am consistently discovering that I'm not actually right about everything, I did at first repudiate the fact that Zombieland would be any good, and it was awesome, amongst various other things. My summer hiatus of diminished intellect appears to be short lived by the academics of the Autumn. In being required to delve into books other than that of Palahniuk or Bukowski I am infact re-establishing my ability to articulate and appreciate knowledge. Turning 19 on Saturday has only reaffirmed my personal life philosophy of 'c'est tout ou rien' and I am very determined to continue living life to this 'cup completely full' effect.

I bought a new car on Monday, am pulling a band together, have booked added work to my rib tattoo and am in the process of organizing all I regard as 'university life'. Now we just need to actually win our football match this Sunday....

I am an Enigma.

2009-09-23T06:22:00.000-07:00

But I am still consciously trying to be a better person. I've had a milkshake a day since the beginning of the week, made my mum cry on Monday and spent £10 on comic and film posters for my room. Urrr.......

An End To Summer

2009-09-18T12:56:00.001-07:00

In seasonal fashion I've been rather slack with posting once more. I read this interesting quote by Kid Rock (temporarily 'Kid Rock' and 'interesting' can go in the same sentence) about Twitter where he said 'It's gay, I don't have anything to say, and what I have to say is not that relevant'. My stance regarding Twitter here is irrelevant in itself, but regardless it got me on another self-criticising mental vex where I question my purpose of still having a blog. I'm definitely not as funny as I was, and my bitterness is channeled in a more self-depressive sense. It was in this digression of thought that I'd realised to what extent I had been beating myself up over summer over boys and being ill and generally just being a doormat to anyone who'd take the opportunity to tread all over me.

Now fall is here I want to sink back into self sufficiency. Songs will warm me to bed and reading and not pensive fury. I yearn for company, but i'm pledging to cherish my own. With this new job and new semester my leaf is officially turned and fully willing to fall away with the rest this Autumn.

Norwich officially has a fully functioning comic book store too.... I'm spent.

Mentally Vexed

2009-08-29T14:31:00.001-07:00

I got my car fixed yesterday, today it is cutting out again and really doesn't run properly. I really do love this predicament I'm constantly in where everything is just a massive pile of shit. Existence and I appear to have conflicting interests....

If looking at positives; my right indicator works now and I had cheesecake at work this evening. Why is this all I have?

Shine a Light

2009-08-26T14:54:00.000-07:00

City & Colour and a late night are the worst concoction for contemplation. It's almost impossible to verbalize how I feel or what I'm thinking. Instead all the saddest songs are the easiest to relate to, and trying to forget is like trying to turn back time. I ate Nutella on toast for dinner and got my ass kicked at football. I ache so badly and my knees are scraped, a summer of bruise-less legs is a thing of the past and I'm waiting to be thrown face-first into fall. I want school to start so I'm mentally pre-occupied. Being sans educational-stimulation makes me over-pensive and generally irate. Instead of working out answers for myself I spend mind-torturing hours looking for them in the worst places.

I've picked up new tastes for copious amounts of ice tea and not wearing a bra.
I wish home had something to offer me other than feeling alone.
'Bring me your love tonight, no I am not where I belong.'

On the Coast with the Most.

2009-08-14T14:24:00.000-07:00

In my analysis of life just of late I have come to realise that I am a very terrible person. And have very poor judgement. Life's ill.
But who has to know?

Shingles' n' Shakes

2009-08-11T09:28:00.000-07:00

You know your world is a fucked up place when you go to Mcdonald's and they've run out of ketchup. When would that ever be ok at a burger place? I generally couldn't believe it. In consolation however I had an awesome pb&j Shake from Cooler Milkshakes today and bought a new Snoopy purse. It only cost £20. I went to the Doctors again this morning because last night I got diagnosed with Shingles. Now I'm going to give an explanation about shingles, because originally, I thought it was something quite gross. Actually it's almost the adult form of chickenpox. I contracted it because I've neglected to take my meds sufficiently. As per usual I like to believe I'm superhuman as opposed to just pretentious, and I basically gave the virus lurking in my lower spinal chord (because chicken pox never disappears from your system) leeway to reap havoc in my nervous system and now I have shingles up my forearm and it feels like I'm leaning in the oven constantly. No it's not contagious so don't think of me as some skanky avoidance. Thanks.

Going on a tangent: reason no.183273 as to why I hate the Doctors is because it's full of miserable old people. I had an emergency appointment incase I keeled over and died or managed to contract swine flu over night or whatever and this disgusted anybody in said medical establishment over the age of 75 or pre 75 and incontinent. Do they not realise that the fact they're old has no weight in the majority of places and their bunions or infected toe nail is just going to have to wait an extra 20 minutes? Either way I'm going to have to compile a separate blog detailing all the reasons why the elderly suck for the most part- purely because my list is getting a little out of control.
Surprisingly though, I've actually had a really good day.

Same Shit, Different Day

2009-07-30T05:17:00.000-07:00

You know life has become desperately mundane when you have to wait for something of at least slight abstract occurance to well, occur just so you feel like you have the right to blog about it, like you finally have the ability to document any thoughts/feelings/happenings of that day that extend far beyond the self-consumption of your new found love for museli or that you really hate queuing at the super market.

My extraordinary incident was in entering the Doctor's surgery for my prescription. Waiting was a woman and her child (the child being the obvious patient due to the self-sympathetic look of woe on their face), an old man quite bizarrely looking at the contraception section and an old woman sat on a chair in the center of the room with the face of a slapped ass if I ever saw one. Anyway, anecdote continuing, I walked up to the counter and waited for the desk clerk to come from the back of the shop, she approached me first to ask for my name, upon which the old woman rose and immediately blew her load over the fact that she was first. I turned around and said I didn't realise she hadn't already been seen to. She replied with some holier than thou bullshit about it being 'obvious she was waiting', and that it was right for her to be seen to first. The woman behind the counter was just as suprised at I was, and was probably thinking that had she not been sat on her decrepit derriere about 7 feet from the desk I probably would have known she was waiting. What pissed me off was her self-righteous look of victory upon putting a deliquent minor in their place. I'm pretty sure that even old people hate old people nowadays, they're that pent on getting one up on the World and everyone in it.

My 'suicide before sixty' pledge has never looked so promising. Rant over: I really do have a new found love for museli.

World at War

2009-07-27T13:09:00.000-07:00

Another Light Dragoon died in Afghanistan today fighting a pointless war. We're trying to keep something under control that has no expiration date or limit. I'm tired of hearing bullshit stories of making bullets out of pig fat to make being a martyr pointless or that this whole war is over oil. I guess I'm just tired of living in a World and contributing to a World I have no control over. If i analyse myself in 15 years and find I'm a house wife with about as much opinion on World matters as a slice of bread then I'm going to blow myself up.

Stand back whilst my fucking head detonates. I want and I need and I feel but it all amounts to nothing. I'm lost in what I want to be doing and what I should be doing and what I wish would happen. All I can do is talk to myself and listen to the saddest songs. I'm letting temporary dementia cloud my reasoning. I wish I could call it summer euphoria but all it does is rain.

Correlation Cause Confusion

2009-07-22T14:32:00.000-07:00

It's disconcerting when you aren't sure how to feel about something or someone, or when you wish you knew why you feel the way you do about the same two things. What's more disconcerting as of recent is that I feel omniscient, but in an out-of-body sense where I am in recognition of every single thing I do, but have no understanding of why I am doing it or how I feel about it. Desire and wanting to be desired are comic concepts: never reciprocated and never the same. Never easy either. Sometimes I wish I was just watching my life like it was some ill-aired sitcom, I wouldn't worry half as much, if at all, about how often I seem to make wrong decisions. It'd be awful nice to sigh, or laugh and shout from the other side of a television screen. Regardless I need to stop likening my life and the people in it to scenes and characters from books and live in the real World.

I've decided the tugging in acceleration on my car last week that no longer seems to be an issue was water damage from the flash floods. I often misplace the notion that my car is not only 10 years old but ragged to death and so can't handle my some what ruthless road intervention. It's quite pathetic that I generally get annoyed when I see old people driving a nice car at a snail's pace and believe that they shouldn't deserve the priviledge when I drive a heap of shit and ductape, normally at least on par with the national speed limit. Unless your name's Harriet Lucas I'm almost definitely a very agitated person to look at right now. Like a crack fiend in rehab but not as jittery yet just as full of angst. I'll probably start asking into thin air to 'saved' and 'let go' similarily however. I need to be one of those people that is pretty to look at and a mystery to understand.

I'm getting increasingly illiterate and it's heart breaking.

Da(w)g Nasty

2009-07-19T13:23:00.000-07:00

I never realised looking after a puppy would be such a complete consumption of my physical and mental morale. This dog I'm sitting isn't just any regular West Highland terrier with adorable ears and big eyes, it is Satan's hound out to literally ruin any ability I possess to remain sane. Following is a shortened list I have comprised of the havoc she has caused in 10 days:

Pissing on the carpet,
pissing on the kitchen floor,
pissing on the laundry,
walking shit through the house,
puking in the front room after eating what appears to be a yard's worth of grass,
jumping up me so many times it looks like Edward Scissor hands has been fondling my legs,
chewing my blackberry case to obliteration,
refusing to walk any longer half way around the block....

additional, less prominent things come to mind but just relating what I have previously typed makes me sigh in exasperation. Thank God I've never been dumb enough to get pregnant, I can't even handle a fucking dog.

The World is Like a Weight That's Dragging Me Down.

2009-07-14T09:25:00.000-07:00

I'm so raging that I can't even write my anger into this blog sufficiently. Words don't even suffice. All my possessions keep breaking and I just cleaned up green puppy puke. I managed to walk into a hot frying pan and now I look like I self harm, I don't but am in severe contemplation just to let off some steam. I got wet driving home because my sunroof is broken, my sunroof will not close properly and I live in England.

I'm watching Wogan's Total Recall and eating peanut butter out of the jar and I'm fucking angry!

Time Turned Fragile

2009-07-06T16:02:00.000-07:00

I can't really say luck has ever been a friend of mine, but as of recent it seems to be even less than an aquaintence, I can honestly say I've had the worst week of my life. I seem to excel in doing things or failing to do things that result in people getting fucked off , I've been as sick as half of Mexico and I've managed to ruin everything I've put my hands on. I'm typing this from the family desktop after spilling water on my Mac which FYI isn't covered by my warranty (only reiterates the fact that Apple are money-grabbing fat cat bastards) I think I'd find more fortune in the public funding expenses than in my life right now.

Being drugged to the max means I am having difficulty being articulate. I keep slurring my words and making little sense so socialising is about as appealing as a stroll through Kuwait right now. I've lost all the work I'd started for my novel on my Macbook so I generally feel like any molecule of intellect I have left has vanished in a haze of water damage.

Although I'm failing to formulate any notion of sense or interest right now I'm really glad Misha won BNTM, that is all.

'Just Stop Coz I've Had Enough'

2009-06-26T02:54:00.000-07:00

I'm running out of things to say, and ways to feel and I'm nervous. I feel as though life is 24/7 treading on egg shells and as though time is running out. July is less than a week away and I'm not over June. I'm getting tattooed today and then have to go to work, regardless of the fact that I'd booked it off. It appears my boss not only has the inability to answer a telephone or arrange flowers but also has forgotten how to read a date book. I need another job. Preferably one where my job title isn't 'doormat'.

I went running this morning and two women were talking about the death of Michael Jackson so loud that I could hear them over Jawbreaker. I wanted to backtrack and slap them around the face.

Provocation and Pick'n'Mix

2009-06-15T04:12:00.000-07:00

On evaluation of just exactly what citation I know for my Law exams this week it's official that I'm going to sit down at the desk, open the paper and know absolutely nothing. Forget the fact that on and off I've been revising the reams of bullshit since late March, it's come to a head at this point and it turns out that my head is empty. I have absolutely nothing to offer the examiner tomorrow except the names of the legal clauses. I am literally having a subconscious panic attack. I genuinely believe that in a bid to not break down entirely this past month my brain has thrown everything I need to know out of my ears and replaced it with the strength to make it through the day without wanting to top myself.

Honestly, it's a relief mum is bringing me back some sweets any minute now because I'm a fizzy cola-bottle away from spontaneous combustion. If it were to happen she could probably look to receive compensation against the exam bored for psychiatric injury as a secondary victim. Although she would need to qualify the control mechanisms so she had best make sure she's here to see me go up in smoke.

'I'm just a clown, but you can sit beside me when the world comes down'.

Being Fund-less is Fun-less

2009-06-11T04:33:00.000-07:00

I wish I didn't owe so much money. I'm making plans to travel this summer only to be informed that 'You aren't galavanting anywhere until you pay the money you owe me off'. Nothing hits below my metaphorical belt harder than an assertion of the fact that I might be saddled to here all summer and then the next three years (pending exam success) without partially fledged freedom. So my pledge is to do everything and anything to make some serious dollar. ANYTHING.

It doesn't help that I just keep planning to spend money I don't have on other things. I saw my tortoise hatchlings the other day: I'm calling them Herman and Hermione regardless of gender, I need to buy more comics and literature before I become a complete illiterate babbling mess and lose my capacity to formulate extended writing and I've accepted the fact that Harriet's gift I ordered online just isn't coming so I'll purchase another. The irony of the word 'purchase' is I'm the only one 'chasing' my pennies. One week of exams down and one more to go, my medication doesn't seem to be working as I'm back to sleeping most the day and it seems I find more motivation in staring at the wall than I do actually studying. Oh the trials and tribulations of being eighteen and so close to Summer break that I can touch it.

I desperately need a hair cut, might just attempt it myself.

Frailty, Thy Name is Woman

2009-06-10T04:18:00.000-07:00

It appears I am only able to sleep life away when I want to cherish it the most. I can only remember vividly what I want to forget. I'm sick and tired of waking up everyday and not knowing what to do or say. I'm heart sick and I'm lost and increasingly everything surrounding me is turning into all that I hate. I'm drowning in mind-maps and flash cards and the whole prospect of the 2 hour and 15 minute literature exam today makes me feel physically sick. It's mind-bending how the next three years of my life depend on my ability to assess why the audience of Hamlet has sympathy for the protagonist. I couldn't give a third fuck quite frankly.

I get this feeling that I'm making wrong decisions all the time, I'm desperate and I'm being a whiney little bitch, it's an annual thing when exams come around but it all seems to be heightened and up in my grill this time. I wouldn't want to be around me right now, and I don't want anyone to be. Except maybe Harriet, she makes me laugh so much my sides hurt and come close to spraying the contents of a Mcflurry all over the dashboard of my car. I yearn for someone to give me the answers before I become bitter and twisted and alone. Oh wait.

Life is one daunting prospect when I find salvation in my own isolation.

This Is My War

2009-06-05T03:51:00.000-07:00

I started off on a good road revising this week but it fell behind by Wednesday and now I am back to procrastination in its prime. I went to a summary class for Literature today and spent the hour on my Blackberry. I'm desperately looking for the metaphorical switch in my head to turn my whole 'drive in life' process back on but there is more chance of me finding a tumor or maybe the full lyrics for the Spice Girls album or NSYNC. In evaluation of taking A-level exams the fuckbrains paid to conjure up said bullshit clearly have no respect for short-lived youth or the fact that fucking no one would ever want to sit 4 essay questions in three hours. When did they ever think that would be a good idea? I fucking hate how irrational life is.

My current fucked up outlook on existence means I find everything annoying. I don't understand how just deciding not to talk to someone achieves anything, I also believe age is a completely disregardful factor in someone's maturity because the majority of people of age I know who could do with growing up don't even know they're born. I know the Conservative party are going to win the election campaign too, anybody who doesn't see this is seriously misconceived, either way I used to love how election brings misguided political bullshit out of people's mouths but this year I can't handle it, I've heard enough theorists to embark on a political Illuminati and they all spout complete and utter dish water. I'd hear more sense out of a used condom.

If I read or hear or see one more thing on Britain's Got Talent I'm going to personally go out of my way to hurt someone. It's fucking over, why the nation wasted their time watching that bullshit on TV when the taxpayers' money will probably be spent putting on the Royal Variety show for Britain's washed up Monarchy and it's vegetated Queen is beyond me. I wish everybody would get a fucking grip.

I'm 24/7 raging, booked a new tattoo though.

Cheap Flings in Blue Springs

2009-05-29T04:57:00.000-07:00

So I choked on whatever I was eating at work the other day (it was something with rice and chicken, not entirely sure) but either way for however long it was stuck in my throat I genuinely felt like I was going to die. This was Wednesday night, and my throat is still on fire, I can't really eat anything too solid in structure (make jokes if you will) and I am pretty sure it's put me off that type of meal in some time.

I drove out to Peterborough today to pick up my fucking SatNav, the A47 in that direction is the most monotonous and soul-destroying car journey ever, most notably the fact that when the sun comes out, the direction back towards Norwich comes to a standstill as people flock to Cromer or any other rot-smelling coastal town with a murky patch of sand and some sea to soak up the rays that England only sees once in a blue moon.

I really should be studying but along with my missing handbag I am pretty sure I lost my motivation forever. Work is going to SUCK later.

Think Pink

2009-05-22T06:53:00.000-07:00

I went to prom yesterday and whilst for the most part it sucked, certain people made it so bareable. I wore THESE shoes:

Fuck knows how. Whatever, I won 'most likely to become Prime Minister.... yeah.

I also made a pink cake.

After party fucking ruled though, I love Harriet Lucas to death, if it wasn't for her I think I'd contemplate it right now. Here's to stairlift riding, forcing drunks to do dumb shit and flicking the middle finger at anyone who opposes.
The Decendents own me right now.

I Am.

2009-05-17T11:25:00.000-07:00

The other day at work someone asked if we had any English potatoes, I replied with: 'They're right in front of you, Cornish potatoes..' to be responded to with: 'No, English potatoes', me: 'Cornwall is in England.' her: 'well not really...' me: 'well where do you propose it is then?'.

I hate people.

I wish I could stop listening to Beyonce. I think I love her/everything about her. She is the epitome of what a woman should be and potentially what I'm not.
Status: currently self-consumed and very anti-existence. I'll BRB.

Once You Go Black You Never Go Back.

2009-05-15T06:39:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I got my first ever Blackberry and it's one of the best things I've ever had. For someone so technologically retarded keeping everything under one shiny black little roof is probably the best thing to happen for me since sliced bread or the larger packets of raisins. I am still learning how to use it, and have googled various dumb-ass questions such as 'changing my ring tone on my Blackberry curve?' and 'what is my BB pin?'. I'm elated like it's Christmas.

I wanted to see Coraline last night so me and a friend drove into the city to go to Odeon only to find there was a 'technical fault'. What sort of 'technical fault' could there be on the first week of viewing? Did someone eat the film reel or drop it in the Nacho-dip vat? I was p-o'ed to say the least. But we watched Angels&Demons and it was actually awesome. I don't get why the reviews said it was terrible, a bit far-fetched yes... but isn't the whole concept of the Vatican church pretty far fetched anyway? (Sorry Alice, but be happy in the notion that when ever I do badmouth religion I think of you and pinch myself a little bit).

I had my first exam today of 10, and it wasn't too bad. It was a retake as last time I took the paper I spent one hour and fifteen minutes taking the piss out of the first task (I could write an article about any hotel destination in the World and I chose Great Yarmouth because I think I'm funny) so I figured I'd retake the paper with a bit more respect, and hopefully I will do better than a C this time.
I hate this time of year.

Sore on War

2009-05-05T07:19:00.000-07:00

I really wish my parents wouldn't buy Tabloid news papers, i can honestly say they make me feel sick and so pent up with fury that I manage to pull even more cynaism and hate out of everyday existence. I don't see how anybody (even the shameful majority of the Bonehead Britain who read Tabloids) can honestly take what they print seriously when you open to the next page and see a pair of tits or a story about a waste-of-a-woman who feeds her babies Big Macs. It would be like Paris Hilton teaching degree-level astro-physics with sincerity. Either way I am pretty bored of all this bullshit about swine flu, the Iraq settlement, Madeline McCann and economic hardship. No body has grown trotters and a snout, troops are still killing and being killed in someother Middle-Eastern wasteland, kidnappers aren't going to be dumb enough to parade Maddy on the streets like some cheap prostitute and no one is spending any less money now than they were 18 months ago.

I guess life is leaving a sour taste in my mouth as of lately, it all seems such a waste of time. Here's a joke to lighten the mood in my current miserable fuck angst.

'A man was arrested after running outside 10 Downing Street shouting at the top of his voice 'Gordon Brown is a fucking idiot'. He was tried and sentenced to 6 months imprisonment for public slander... and 19 and a half years for revealing secrets of the state.'

be-dum-bum.

Lowly Heart Ad.

2009-04-30T13:18:00.000-07:00

18 year old studious female,
WLTM some motivation with a GSOH.
Enjoys sleeping in, reading comics and work completing itself,
Call 07841209256 if you're willing to fill me with a strong sense of accomplishment
and desire to do my work.

Irony is if I actually studied instead of posting shit like this my work would probably get done. My current student status carries the same worth as the British £ against the Euro.

'He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My week of work and my sunday rest.'

Down 'Til I'm Underground

2009-04-29T14:09:00.000-07:00

It's been a crazy week. I am pretty sure a speed camera flashed me in London last night and we got lost, I paid for a Big Issue the seller then wouldn't give to me, I had the worst slice of pizza I've ever tasted, I've been told to my face that someone doesn't like me, I had Bean's older brother from Even Steven's eyeball me to the extent that I've had to pretend other people were my boyfriend, I forgot to get off my stop on the tube, had a drug pusher oogle my boobs, suffered food poisoning from a £1 Tesco pasta salad, laughed so hard I couldn't breath, wanted things so badly it was unreal, had a million memories I wouldn't want to change for the world and met someone I don't ever want to forget, my first hang outs with Rosa ruled and I'd marry her if it wasn't weird or monogamous.

Post euphoria I'm hating life and need to study hard for exams that I'm so scared of failing. My brother has some crazy cold and I'm sure he has swine flu because not only does he eat like a pig but he's been acting like one. He also did the robot holding an electric razor my sister uses on her bikini line, nice. Hypothesis: Reality blows.

Flushed Away

2009-04-24T02:21:00.000-07:00

I'm currently attempting to drink 1 1/2 litres of water a day. I haven't been drinking anything else other than one glass of cranberry juice and it's proving a lot more difficult than first percieved. Not only does the taste of water make me feel more thirsty somehow(seriously?) but I visit the toilet on the hour every hour like some incontience-ridden geriatric. Apparently the '8 glasses of water a day' recommendation is a myth. Unless you're a fish or something. I don't feel any better for it so far, more like I'm carrying a water baby.

In other news I have both tonight and tomorrow night off work. This is both bad and good. It's bad because I need the money to fix my repetedly broken car but it's good because with a broken car I wouldn't be able to drive there anyway and I'd like to go to Outbreak in Bury St Edmunds this Saturday night. I, with some error, named my car Betty, aptly i know wish I had named her Shitty. She currently has a loose connection in the front right indicator and chugs like a tug boat when I start the engine. I think I should loosen her connections with a baseball bat personally. But the liklihood of me getting a new car can be compared with the liklihood of the Pope ever accepting homosexuals, or condoning the use of condoms.
Either way I'm just stoked that I can spend another week away from a resturant full of diners that I want to punch. Especially the people who tip me 50p like it makes the slightest fucking difference.

I've had a shit week, I want the 25th of May to come around more than ever.

101 Facts

2009-04-20T05:19:00.000-07:00

In complete mimicry of Rosa I am going to do a number-associated about me list. I a) have nothing better to do, b) want her to be able to read mine like I read all 101 facts about her and c)have never done one before and will be interested to see what I have the balls to write. I know plenty of things about me that I'd never admit such as:

1)I compare inserting a tampon to something as difficult as performing key hole surgery
2)Sometimes when I walk anywhere I count my steps, or if I am eating I will subconsciously count the number of times I chew
3)I have a phobia of chapped lips and becoming over weight
4)If I could be anyone for a day I'd be one of the Queen's corgis so I would know whether she does normal things like pick her nose
5)I definitely think I'd be a lot better at life if i was born male
6)I calorie count not solely for my fear of obesity but because i like mental arithmetics, I also work out the total when I am shopping and when I'm in a restaurant
7)I have an unhealthy obsession with breasts and how big other people's are compared to mine, I genuinely believe this stems from my mum and her friends getting overly excited when my sister, their daughter's and I all started developing a pair
8)I pick apart my appearance upon a daily basis but always conclude that my eyes are my only redeeming feature
9)I like the noise of gum when it pops even though the majority of other people find it severely annoying
10)I'd wear black every single day if people didn't comment on it so often
11)If it wasn't for my sister being a complete anti-thesis to me I would probably have been just like her
12)I do however wish I had her legs so skinny jeans looked better on me but I wouldn't sacrifice my derriere for the World
13)I'm not gullible because i believe every word someone is saying but because I've learnt from telling someone that something is complete bullshit, it makes me sound like an asshole
14)I really wish the spell-check on my Mac wasn't set on American settings because it potentially makes me illiterate
15)Likewise I wish i knew how to really use a Mac so I can change this setting, I'm too pompous to ask anyone for help and too lazy to look it up on google
16)I have a tendency to choose a favourite word for the week and try to use it as many times as possible, my favourite word for this week is 'chevron'
17)I wish I could accessorize, but I have the fashion prowess of a little boy
18)If i had all the money in the World I'd honestly give most of it away, i really don't know what I'd do with it otherwise
19)I do like Zebrahead and no I am not ashamed!
20)I take a chronic-fatigue drug that abolishes my short-term memory abilities- with disastrous consequences, I'm worried it's going to make me fail this year but so far I haven't done anything about it
21)I like having my hair stroked, not in a sexual way or because I think I'm a domesticated animal but because it feels nice
22)The majority of nights I sleep alone I manage to work myself into an anxiety-fueled stupor where I genuinely believe what ever I worry about is actually going to happen
23)The majority of girls I come into contact with make me feel like I should make more effort with my appearance/get a better hair cut
24)If I could bake all day and neglect all my academic and economic responsibilities then I would
25)Kinder chocolate really is the best chocolate on the planet
26)I have been and always will be completely smitten over Blink 182
27)When they broke up I cried
28)I feel the biggest problem I have with myself is I can't be completely honest about what I want or how I feel
29)The only person I am afraid of is my Mum
30)I completely doubt myself/my ability to do anything on a daily basis, it's like a small, repetitive breakdown
31)I generally couldn't care when other people break edge, I always thought it was something you did for yourself
32)The prospect of high heels and walking in them makes me feel ill
33)I think instant messenger and Msn was always one of the reasons behind a lot of my problems
34)Before I reach 20 i want to run in the Race for Life. I always forget to apply though
35)One day I will go on a reality-tv singing contest like X-Factor
36)I used to be vegetarian until i got diagnosed with a severe iron deficiency, I still can't eat a lot of meat without wanting to hurl
37)I'm writing a book but I am too self-critical for it to ever be finished probably
38)I'm a timid feminist and have an issue with girls who don't support one another
39)I think not voting in general elections makes you ignorant
40)I have a mental list that's forever growing of people who make me puke in my mouth a little bit
41)When someone is described as 'fit' I think it's not because they're handsome or beautiful but because somehow they're sex-worthy
42)I have another mental list of words that I don't like including 'snog', 'knackered' and 'cemetery'
43)I have a lot of extensive but irrelevant mental lists
44)I am pretty sure I have an OCD complex about bathrooms and their general nature of hygiene to the extent that my parents provided me with my own so I wouldn't freak out on a daily basis
45)I know so much about the Holocaust and Germany's history between 1915-1945 that the majority of people assume me to be a neo-nazi or unhealthily interested in genocide and social oppression
46)Bizarrely connected to this if I wasn't atheist or for some bizarre reason had to belong to a religion I'd most probably be Jewish
47)I really really hate those glasses with the big frames, it's a trend that has got out of control
48)I wish I had been around when it was socially ok to be racially discriminate if you weren't white just so see how utterly ridiculous and warped society was
49)I'm afraid of anything that's smaller than my fist and moves
50)My upper arms are so muscular that I look like I pump iron, I don't and I'd rather you didn't make comment on my guns
51)I don't find any of the girls off 'The Hills' pretty, and no it isn't because I'm jealous
52)Even I'd make out with Megan Fox, she's that hot
53)I can't stand romantic comedies but somehow always end up watching them
54)The only horror movie I can say that generally scared me was The Ring
55)When I try to think about the best day of my life I always think about the day Daniel and I went to Disney World together for the first time
56)Whilst being the curator of the NYC history museum would be my dream job, I'd do anything to be one of the Disney princesses at the Disney World in California or Florida
57)I always contemplate what would happen to the rest of the World if I died, not because I think I'm important but I think that's only when people realise exactly what someone meant to them
58) I've always seriously favoured suicide after middle-age so I don't end up old and completely decrepit
59)Losing things is probably the only thing to make me really really angry
60)I'm always right even when I know I'm wrong
61)I have always wanted a cat but am terrified of being scratched by one
62)I really hate when guys shave everything but a little patch of hair under their chin, it irritates me and I can't help but talk to it if I ever have to speak to anyone like that
63)I never know whether to look a person in the eye when I am having a conversation with them, I can't decide if it's rude not to or uncomfortably weird if I do
64)I would of dropped out of sixth form 6 months ago if I didn't whole-heartedly believe it's essential in me continuing the rest of my life, I hate it that much
65)I would create a fictitious situation in my life just to get on the Jeremy Kyle show
66)Passing my driving test was one of the best things to ever happen to me
67)So was getting into hardcore.
68)I've tried giving up chocolate on a monthly basis since I was 15, it has never worked
69)If I ever met the first person to consider oral sex I'd give them a pat on the back
70)I didn't really need to wear a bra until I was about 14/15, I actually got teased about this
71)I have never broken a single bone in my body or had a filling, by typing this I am worried that I now will
72)I guess you could therefore say I believe in Karma or superstition and will probably touch some wood in the next two minutes
73)I love the variety of slang-terms and nicknames there are for the male and female anatomy, a friend made a list of all the different words for 'penis' once and it made me laugh my whole way through the last two years of high school
74)I have a circle shaped scar on my left hand after I let someone drop hot plastic on it during high school, I really hate it
75)On reflection of the past 74 facts It'd be safe to say I 'really hate' a lot of things
76)I used to box twice a week until I realised boxing against the local gypsies was potentially dangerous
77)I wish I could be funny without being severely sarcastic/disgustingly exaggerative or viciously cynical
78)When I applied to Cambridge and got an interview I generally believed I had a pretty good chance of getting in, I didn't
79)I generally don't know what to do with myself when someone complains to me at work, it isn't until I get back in the kitchen that I ever think of anything good to say
80)I was in a band between the ages of 14/15 that makes me die inside of embarrassment every time I think about it, It's so cringe-worthy that I can't type the name without closing my eyes in sheer awkwardness
81)If i get buried when I die instead of cremated I will be so fucked off, well technically I'll be dead but it will still be really annoying
82)I make myself really angry thinking about public transport, it's always been that much of an inconvenience to me
83)I dressed up as an almost sexy-santa for a hardcore show at christmas once, i did it to annoy my then-boyfriend and it worked
84)My sixth form regularly holds alcohol-fueled student parties and I hate them that much that I let my sister go instead where she pretends to be me
85)I'm always tripping over absolutely nothing, I probably trip over on a daily basis and it never gets any less mortifying
86)My sister has decided that since I'm straight edge I'm not 'wild' in the slightest, I'd like to think I'm pretty wild, actually.
87)People watching is prominently one of my favourite things to do, I don't think I'd get as much enjoyment out of life if I didn't make up false personas for strangers I had witnessed during the day
88)I always laugh a little at people who try too hard to be dark and demure, I always laugh a little at people in general, it's not because I think I'm better it's because it's funny
89)I don't get people who wouldn't donate their body to science after death because they're not comfortable with it: what's there to be uncomfortable about when you're dead? You're going to be lying down
90)I have a severe issue with the concept of any female 'squatting' to pee, I won't camp because I'm not comfortable with that, I really can't handle peeing if I'm not on a toilet
91)I don't let my dog poop when I take her for walks, I'm not prepared to pick it up so she always has to wait until we get home, I honestly believe she resents me for it
92)I really hate it when anyone calls me mate, especially as usually they're not my 'mate' at all and it makes me feel like a man
93)The only fond memory I have of education pre-high school is playing Blousey Brown in the drama club's performance of Bugsy Malone
94)Who ever created the concept of pancakes also needs a good pat on the back
95)If I died right now my epitaph would probably read 'fuck my life'
96)I really don't see the point in Twitter or understand why it's the new 'in thing', surely it's just a half-assed Facebook?
97)I secretly adore any form of female ballad and sing along to them on the assurance that no one is around to hear me
98)Napoleon Dynamite really IS the most quotable film of all time
99)I wish my Dad would understand just how hilarious Will Farrell is
100)I'm actually a genuinely positive person I just really struggle to translate it verbally without sounding like a creep
101)If i could change one thing about myself it would be my insane ability to procrastinate, and I would muchly appreciate not having the build of a woman of the amazon

Vexation on a Sunday

2009-04-19T03:18:00.000-07:00

Part of the trouble is slipshod story telling in the New Testament. The intent of the Gospels was to teach people, among other things, to be merciful, even to the lowest of the low. But the Gospels actually taught this: 'Before you kill somebody, make absolutely sure he isn't well connected'.

The flaw in the Christ Stories, is that Christ, who didn't look like much, was actually the Son of the Most Powerful Being in the Universe. So when it came to the crucifixion oh boy did they sure pick out the wrong guy to lynch this time. And this thought has a brother: 'There are right people to lynch'. Who? People not well connected.

I don't like 80% of people I come into contact with, this includes anybody in the band Dungeons. I've only actually watched your set about three times but it's enough to conclude that you could put a blossoming ecstasy-bandit to sleep. Hence the necessity in mine and my friends karaoke and partying instead of standing around pretending to find any interest or enjoyment in your set. You're not individual or artsy. Never smiling in public doesn't make you deep. It makes you pseudo- pretentious because there is actually nothing for you to be pretentious about. If you're going to say something about me at least say it to my face, that way I can remind you how compensating for being socially nugatory by making pointless public announcements doesn't make you top banana. When I think about how cool you think you are it actually makes me laugh a little bit.

I can't believe I almost forgot how consumed some people are with what other people are doing. I wish I didn't have to work this Saturday night so I could go to another show in Ipswich and fuck people off.

A Book Worm Lost in the Soil

2009-03-27T04:02:00.000-07:00

Once again the annual exam preparation has arrived and i scorn it for it's necessant success in putting my whole life on hold whilst i try desperately for four shiny A's at the end. I've neglected my reading, my organising, my socialising and so not only am i poorly read, but i live in an accomodation-enclosed tip and i never see anyone; 'Stig of the Dump' rings to mind.

But i got my hurrrr did yesterday (got me a sweet blonde flash like Rogue but not as prominent) and good things are coming up, I have a mentally existant dates calender in my head right now but it'd be a waste of time printing it here for eyes that don't exist, or frequently couldn't care, indeed in a blind world the man with one eye is king.

Instead i shall love and leave with a list of 'to-dos'
1)clean out my closets
2)manage my shoes (i.e. throw the deceased ones away and stop hoarding)
3)wrap Dad's birthday presents
4)generally tidy
5)start 'The Slaughter House Five'
6)purchase some more profound and mentally-testing literature

completion: pending
procrastination: looming.

The Answer My Friend, Is Blowing In The Wind,

2009-03-15T12:30:00.000-07:00

I've been negligent in my blogs because I am forgetful and because I don't want it to be some artistic rendition of how abysmal life gets, quite happily asides it's repetitive nature 45 weeks of the year I am mostly blissfully happy but this week has been a week of sorts.

First, failing exams just doesn't happen to me and it has this week, twice. Both are being remarked (without my input i might add) because of this failure of correlation with the rest of my, well life really. I know why I failed history, without 'tu quoque'ing the whole situation my teacher failed to mention to my class before the exam that for the top marks she had needed to teach us the theories of revisionism, post-revisionism and orthodox and consequently we all got shit grades. As for Law I have as many answers as a question paper. Clueless. After busting my guts studying it seems I spunked all my knowledge up the wall. I got two A's but they mean little when everyone expects four.

Gut-wrenching failure kind of aches when you're missing someone so badly that time seems to stop whilst you wait to be with them again. I've spent the past 3 days pretty miserable and know it will take him to make me feel better. I need to book a Doctor's appointment but have been procrastinating through either fear of something being wrong or her finding no reason as to why I'm exhausted all the time. We also didn't win at football again today and I'm beginning to find no logic in coming home pissed off every sunday afternoon and covered in mud. I want answers for absolutely everything, I just wish I was somewhere where British life can't get to me like it does right now.

I feel this blog is quite lengthy and so could never be the arty bullshit that offers little prose but plenty of cynical punch but I think there's been plenty to catch up on. The only difference between the sane and the psychotic is one bad day....

A Fear of Fatuity.

2009-02-02T09:26:00.000-08:00

I know my life is so desperately ironic when in the study and research for another 3000+ word essay I feel myself losing brain cells. I feel like I'm losing the capacity to formulate not only sentences that comply with Grice's maxims of politeness but generally being about to formulate conversation. I'm tired of only being able to converse over television programs and the impending/and currently life destroying snow and my failure to produce literary-worthy synonyms is making me agitated. Yet along with this new found concern for my linguistic capabilities I still retain the intelligence to become increasingly exacerbated with the variation in numerous spellings between the USA and the UK. I am not nonchalant when it comes to the British language's inadequacy to use the letter 'z' within words; but possessing a spell check that insists on spelling everything under American diction really winds me up. Dear self, i WILL read more and worry less about being sixthform-sufficient and i WILL enquire as to where my immutable intensity for words/writing/extended vocabulary has retired to.

As previously fore-shadowed, the current snow that is consuming Britain like a blanket of frosty's fury seems to have consumed the country in some form of disease where they can't do anything but have harangues about it. Please take note, i agree Alaska and various other locations on the globe continue to subsist when the white devil (juxtaposition justified) advances and many of you are critical of how Britain seems to come to a standstill; but one miniscule detail you forgot to consider (well actually two) is that a)we're a fraction of the size of all of these places and b)snowfall doesn't and has never occurred enough for us to devise some scheme that would make us snow-superior. We don't even as a country possess the funds to make our travel services element-able.

Someone give me a lift to Heathrow Airport on Friday the 13th, yeah? ok? Wicked.

Carpe Die-m

2009-01-25T08:01:00.000-08:00

I know life is short and we're born to die and i should seize the day, but I'm going to go with God on this one and Sunday being the day of rest. Another thing i know is that I should be at UEA library right now finding books for possibly the most secluded essay question I've ever decided upon but again the sheer thought of searching for books that aren't there makes laying in bed eating Kinder and watching Sunday films much more preferable. Again my taste for diversity has bitten me in the ass because I chose to study an argument in history and have subsequently been spunking time up the wall because the books i want to read aren't in any public libraries ANYWHERE and on going to UEA library i can't rent the books... i have to photo copy them.... each page i want to use. Just die.

Looking forward to going to the flicks later to see My Blood Valentine 3-D with Gowza, popcorn for dinner, huzzzahhh. Then going to see Valkyrie with pop tomorrow, can't beat a bit of Hitler-attempted assassination. I wish these 18days would pass fast. Faster than a dog on speed. or something. Just fast.

Mactarded.

2009-01-20T13:09:00.000-08:00

For someone with such a rocket up my butt 88% of the time I can be easily traumatised by anything more technologically recent than the Nokia 3210. Whilst my Macbook was predominantly a blessing it is also a curse. The matter of the fact is that I just don't know how to use it. I persistently believe that talking to it/ asking it 'what! whyyyyy? how on earth?' will solve any qualms I have with it and when something doesn't work or is 'temporarily unavailable' for over an hour I acquiesce and hide behind the archaic but reliable pen and pad of paper. I'm a self-confessed know-all but can honestly say this laptop has me in a headlock 24/7.

I've got my history exam tomorrow but again I've sold myself to procrastination like some cheap slut and am looking for any excuse to do something else. Hence my insistence in taking issue with my Macbook and repainting my nails not once but twice. What hurts the most is that after my exams are over this week I have to spend two weeks writing a history investigation on the Role of the Catholic Church in the Holocaust, so far I've established (or rather decided) that they didn't do a whole lot but other than that I've got more interest in watching paint dry, or trying to further my lacking Macbook knowledge.(which is actually just giving up and watching the Itunes album-cover- art screensaver.)

I've got about 12% of my Christmas chocolate left before I on a cocoa hiatus, just another thing I am traumatised about. I'm feeling sorry for myself - Kinder donations widely appreciated, technically if the chocolate never runs out I don't have to stop. Technically..

Solitude and Junk Food Mood.

2009-01-13T09:11:00.000-08:00

I don't know what has happened to me in the last 24 hours to make me so anti-company but I woke up with the notion today of just generally not liking other people. In fact throughout today I've found 90% of people I usually like unbearable; to the extent that I'm rude or subconsciously rude. I guess it's because sometimes I just don't 'get' people, or being around people. I will never figure out either why girls are so pent on getting at each other or catching each other out. We should be a team more than anything, men are going to spend the entire lifespan of the human race making us subordinate, I've never witnessed a species so set on kicking each other whilst they're down. I hate to break it to anyone with a vagina, even as a feminist, we will be forever underground.

I am in serious concern over my chocolate addiction. I think it's gone beyond me merely just having a taste for chocolate. I get cravings to the extent that I can't concentrate on anything else until I have had a fix. I've made a personal pact that once I've devoured all my Christmas chocolate (I predict this to occur in approximately 2 weeks) then I am ditching chocolate for good. Keep a tab on me. If Daniel reads this I know he agrees, haha *hearts for eyes*.

Currently wondering whether I should go to Internal Affairs last show... line up SUCKS.

Splitting at the Seams

2009-01-11T08:20:00.000-08:00

My rejection from Cambridge a week ago has sunk me into a fear that i've been living in some fallacy where I can achieve what I want because I am just me. Last year the only exam i particularly revised for was law and i aced it. Now exams are back around and the whole prospect of having to study is reinvented I have this constant, mistaken niggling in the back of my head that I can do it without working for it. My rejection brought into hindsight that maybe I can't do that anymore.

It's 4.30pm and I failed to get dressed today. I am intent on studying for hours, I've studied a fair amount so far, but doubt is raging through me like hormones on the brink of puberty. Maybe I can't do it this time.

Asides annual exam-disaster I am completely consumed by love.

Revision Rut

2009-01-09T05:47:00.000-08:00

The time of year is around again where I really have to get my act together in time for exams. Although so far I've failed to do anything exam-constructive and I am only proud of myself because I am pretending. This facade of hard-work will probably bite my in the ass but I've told myself that I've always crammed like a fat mess before so this instance shouldn't be any different.

I'm becoming increasingly love-sick. I also have little to say because I'm completely wrapped up in life without the majority of you in it.

Canis Candem Edit

2009-01-08T13:09:00.000-08:00

I've been horrifically slack in this whole 'let the World hear my sorrows' thing, mostly because I haven't had any sorrows. I got rejected from Cambridge last week, but other than feeling that my pride has taken a slight kick to the balls I kind of expected. When someone talks to your lip-piercing instead of you during conversation you know they aren't particularly interested in what you have to say. Although the interviews were an experience, strangely vigorous and with the capability to make someone even as pompous as me feel really small.

I guess my New year's resolution will be to keep up with my blogs, although I will watch what I say as a friend was recently suspended from work for pouring her heart out online. Hilarious. I am glad I don't have particularly anything bad to say about something so particular as work, quite possibly because I am too happy to give a shit. (insert smiley)

Now watching Equilibrium (lead role; Christian Bale) and pretending to study. I just had some of the best two weeks of my life but now my heart just aches. This is one of those forever things, I can just feel it.

When Something Both Sucks and Blows.

2008-12-01T01:05:00.000-08:00

As if getting up at 7am on a Monday morning wasn't a trial enough, to come to college at 8.30am and find your lesson's been cancelled surely takes the biscuit. Realising furthermore you do not have another lesson until 11.30am then goes beyond some sort of sick joke. Being the bookworm I am all my studying is complete and now i severely resent not slipping 'Watchmen' into my bag this morning to complete and thus prepare myself for the next installment of comic novels with an abundance of pictures plus delightfully lacking in words. However, my brain having had to surface at such an inimicable time in the morning doesn't possess this intelligence, and so I am having to stew between webpages and desperately wishing 24 days would pass.

After i finish college I shall be rounding up 'the gang' to go to Ceremony in London. I haven't been in a while, but then the atmosphere of the most conceited city in England isn't much to admire. I just hope the whole hatin-for-rumour thanggg has kind of died down a little and been replaced with more ego, or something. I don't like casting a net upon the whole school of fish as there are some brilliant little swimmers in the pool, but right now and as ever, it's all about a generalisation. What would a backward Norfolk kid know anyway? I'm probably ploughing a field or creating offspring with fellow relatives. Ho ho.

My legs are cold and i am in desperate need of something to fill the next two hours.

Absent in Mind but not in Body.

2008-11-17T14:31:00.000-08:00

My blogs are currently few and far between, my organisation and talent in completing tasks is absent and I'm getting more headaches than I am revelations or ideas. I generally feel like my brain is hemorrhaging whenever I try to do something more brain-testing than writing my own name. I resent winter and it's annual ability to make me feel like shit for four months. NB; i just had to check how to spell hemorrhaging for the first time EVER. Something is wrong with me asides me being love sick.

However asides dying, I'm relishing in my own happiness, I am in love and loved, contraire to many a belief (AKA spiteful and bitchy comment behind my back from people who THINK they know me even though they don't like me). A lot of people haven't changed, they're doing stupid things just to be cool and wallowing in bed everyday because that's all they've ever been good at. I'm laughing, I'm head-achey, but I'm laughing.

I've been knitting, getting tattooed, studying so I guess achievement is lurking between hours spent sleeping and wiping my nose. I just love looking around and being able to say 'I'm doing it and you're not'. I don't know whether this makes me a pompous arsehole or just deserving for all my efforts. I'll keep you posted d-claimers.

Time Lapse and Jet Lag

2008-11-05T15:16:00.001-08:00

I haven't written in a while. Mostly because I am constantly consumed which things I am trying to complete or should be completing. I could write reems on what I have done in the last 3 weeks or so but frankly, the people I have kept in contact with are the only people who actually give a shit and secondly I can't be bothered to explain 21 days of activity to an online journal that probably isn't read anymore because i don't get so shitty about everything anymore.

Although unrealistic, i severely resent how nothing in life is simple. I have three people to call tomorrow over things that should never have happened. I'm eternally confused, isolating myself from 95% of people was probably the best decision i ever made. I didn't want to come back here and I especially didn't want to face college again. Instead of approaching the fact that I should be studying for exams and completing work I instead spent the whole day clock-watching and realising that 4 out of 14 people in my history class were wearing stripes today; including me.

I am desperate to be with you always, and I am so glad you know this.

Consumed Consumer

2008-10-13T11:23:00.001-07:00

Thanks National Rail for raping me of £48. I whole-heartedly appriciate what a fucking rip-off you fatcat bastards are and hope one day whilst you are squandering the millions/billions/trillions of pounds you make by dragging the pennies out of people you contract some form of greedy-shit disease/illness and die.
Cheers again.

In other news I actually feel sick at the amount of calories I have consumed in the past 72 hours. It doesn't even bear thinking about.

Eighteen Candles

2008-10-12T10:19:00.000-07:00

Well actually my cake had two, and i had two cakes. Well four if you count the two i shared with other people. Four cakes is actually pretty impressive. It's funny how now I've turned 18 I'm really upset I won't get treated like a child anymore. I have no age-excuse anymore. It also means no more youth-sympathy/presents/ excuse to be overweight/lazy/not fully formed. I guess it's what I've always wanted. But right now all I want truthfully is 5,400 miles away. But that will change in 10days and I can't wait.

I've realised recently as a female how little we support our own sex. I don't know what ever happened to that whole 'girl power' thing the suffragettes, and more popularly the spice girls evoked in some people but i seem to be the only person still burning her bra and secretly resenting the male race. I miss sisterhood and boys being smelly and something we avoided. I'm not pining for my youth again I'm just pining haha.

I feel I have little direction in this current moment of time because I'm tired and defeated. I also have the Hot Fuss album by the killers on Repeat and it's making me quite emotional. Sadly.

The Freedom to be Free

2008-10-03T04:36:00.000-07:00

You know your life needs a bit of a push in the more sociable direction when all the librarians know you by your first name. Having finally completed the bane of my existance that has been my EPQ investigation I can look upon all 5,842 words and weep with joy. My current penchant for printing it out repeatedly to remind myself that i have actually finished it is not only personally unhealthy but probably wiping out half of Sherwood forest and diminishing my pledge to be 'environmentally aware'. Yeah.

Still applying for University, I have since today found out that i have to complete a second application for Cambridge once they have accepted my first. Come on?! I never realised it would be so hard to actually make something of my life in this way. I mean, I have achieved the actual desire to go to university; but not only did i find the whole UCAS thing a completely horrific experiance but they're now saying i have to apply again?

My car failed its MOT yesterday and i'm in mourning, I am going on a second hunt for car parts today, but this time accompanied with a male who can do the talking while i stand a look.. ahem... pretty. A self-confessed feminist; I'm not too happy relaying this information but will be ecsstatic when my car is repaired and re-tested on Monday and passes.

If i don't start seeing friends outside of both my jobs/college now the essay-of-my-life is over i think I'm going to perish in a mass of printings and restaurant condiments.

Life, Revised.

2008-09-27T12:46:00.000-07:00

I'd say this photo sums up my life right now. I'm so lost in various pages of a series of books that i somehow remember the name of long after i've post-it noted them to death. I can't actually recognise how i exist outside of evaluating historic articles and relentlessly trawling Google to be certai that my research is consistent. I'm pseudo-run down. I honestly believe that the only reason i'm blowing my nose more than a hooker does clients is because i'm subconciously feeling very very sorry for myself. I want to get this work done more than i want life currently, it's so pathetic and the minute i finish it I'll realise what an ass i have been/am always.

Currently sipping Sprite (again it's self-sympathy, the calories/sugar help me cope)sniffing my own face up my nose and sneezing into the keys. I want to go on Xfactor, and see my boyfriend again because not only does oral seem like the most comforting thing right now, but i can honestly say i feel so absent without him. I'm not here, i'm wandering.

It's MY Life

2008-09-21T16:33:00.000-07:00

I'm watching this late night debate show and there's a very good reason why it's late night. It's an accumulation of Britain's sweatiest and most pompous bigots talking out of their asses more than anything. I haven't written on here for a while, I think it's best to say I've been mentally challenged. I've honestly found it hard recently to produce anything from my thought processes that isn't complete bullshit. My perfect example is in recent study of Chaucer in a group of students, we were discussing his meaning behind 'urinals' being as the public toilets our male population has come to cherish/piss all over obviously weren't around pre 1500. My only able contribution to the conversation was that he was infact talking about penises. I then continued to sniff for the rest of the lesson because my cold has seemed to consume not only my nasal passage and throat but every nerve ending that extends beyond my neck.

It's watching this program that's made me realise how much i hate when people all talk at the same time. I've realised a lot of things recently. I like to buy or rent books when I'm sad, can never find a pair of shoes i like when i set out to buy some new ones and no longer need to worry about what other people have that i don't. I might not have 'everything', but everything i have seems so wonderful to me.

New Have Heart rocks my world, although i guess it isn't so new anymore.

UK-ill me.

2008-09-13T13:40:00.000-07:00

Fact; if you don't hate England you love London. Albeit it being the most active/expansive city in the UK, it's apparently the place to be. Other than traditional country views we as a county have very little to offer if you're actually British. I'd love to be a tourist visiting the UK on occasion. But I'm not, i live here. I feel raped of my money, culture and future. I probably won't ever be able to buy my own home here for a verrrrrrry long time unless the Government owns it. And lets fact it; they can't own EVERYONE'S houses for them. I can't be bothered to get all definitive and 'nitty gritty' but I'm location-unhappy. You can't ever amount to much as an individual it appears if you aren't from various 'hot spots' within our country limits. So i won't even delve into various other things i could possibly say about my place of origin.

I have a lot of reading to do and tired eyes. I want to watch Lord of The Rings with my boyfriend and hot chocolate. It's the first match of the season tomorrow and I bless my eternal taste in football for keeping me active and aiding me in to refrain from becoming consumed in other people's lives because when it comes down to it, I'm jealous. Only Clare will know what I am talking about.
I wish people could tell the difference between a thesaurus and a dictionary.

Lunch Breaks and the Boredom Associated.

2008-09-10T05:06:00.001-07:00

Although technically not considered a 'lunch break' anymore by the college bigwigs, it can't be anything but a college lunchbreak because i am bored out of my skull. I percieve myself as sounding so life-unfufilled seeing as most my posts seem to mention how exasperatingly bored I am - but you have to understand; as a college student i can't spend 80% of my life as anything other than bored. It seems to be around the same time everyday that i am faced with the dire prospect of feeling like i have nothing of interest to do. Sure i could be reading one of the 25 or so books to consider for my projects, but yet another thing one must understand as a college student is that it is a hidden rule that we fail to do what we should or could be doing to pass the time. I've only been in since 11.30 (and i was late) and i still feel hard done by.

I think you know as much as i do now that i don't particularly like people. Generally. What other reason have i got for sitting on on Tuesday nights watching policing programs about drunk men falling asleep in a doorway, only to wake up and take a leak on the side of a church? None. I didn't even enjoy the program, again it just passed time. I resent how pathetic I make myself sound, yet relish it at the same time.

I want sweets.

Coping With My Addiction.

2008-09-08T11:23:00.000-07:00

I don't know how many days i'm into my chocolate and sweets hiatus but i can honestly say it's torture. Not only does every gorilla Cadbury's advert seem to have suddenly restablished it's slot on television but my house is suddenly over run with enough chocolate bars to treat Africa at Christmas. I can't see i'll last like the end of Ocotber like i pledged. My desire for calorie-intake in 5 snapable segments is outweighing most thought processes, not all, but most.

Today was the start to the first full week of college and i already want to staple and holepunch the shit out of every student who goes other than me. I only have 15 lessons a week but it's enough for my brain to seep out of my ears in sheer mental exhaustion. It's getting pretty boring that the younger year seem to have stepped out of fashion week and into college in a bid to wow their a-level peers with their gift for garments when in reality it's like stepping into topshop and h&m and being harrassed by the mannequins. Some people should also learn that neon tights look good if you have matchstick legs. If not you just look like a tree thats come back from a rave.
Dire, i'm suffocating in NME mingers.

Next Step'tember

2008-09-05T12:34:00.000-07:00

I've had the most insane week, I never realised September could be so happenin'. College was extremely dire as to be expected, there is an abundance of work, year 12 students, summer tummies and generally shit people that there was an abundance of last year. It was so boring i could have cried tears of sleep. College also never brings good news, we no longer have a lunch period specifically and my dutch exchange trip has been cancelled. I'm quite disappointed about the fact i will no longer get to sleep in a house that smells of whatever dutch houses smell of and wander around the red light district like an enthralled tourist. I'll also miss the opportunity to verbally abuse foreign people as well as idiots from my own country in the world debates we were going to partake in... sigh.

On a higher note, literally, i will be doing a parachute jump in october for charity. I'm thinking either breast cancer or the 'whizz kids' charity but remain undecided and need verification. I think people who think i'm doing a great thing should donate some of the £350 required and people who want to see me break my neck when it all goes wrong donate too, i mean you never know? You can hope desperately? I know i've got a few of you followers in all your spite.

I'm giving up chocolate and sweets until the end of October, so if i'm cranky, skinnier and full of angst; things are slightly looking up. My love sickness will suffice, it's bliss.

Apathy Animus

2008-09-02T08:34:00.000-07:00

I need serious help for my addiction to gameboy and talk shows. It is the apotheosis in the procrastination of my college work; which i'll later regret because i don't think a drug addict, failure father or crazy grandmother will be any explanation as to why my work remains uncompleted. I seriously can't help myself. I'd rather watch Sally Jesse Raphael of all things then read about the sick people who think it's morally ok to deny the holocaust.

I'm failing to accept that college begins again thursday. I abjure to having to face another year being civil to people who i don't like and having to explain to every single stereotype of a student that no, i don't drink and no, i don't smoke weed. No, i don't want to come to the pub at lunch time for a pint with you, i think i'd rather eat my lunch off the toilet bowl. I don't belong here a single bit, i feel like a blind man at the movies, complete waste of time.

I love being caught in this limbo of being in love, seeing my friends and not doing a lot with my time. I think i just need to get the three more gym badges on Pokemon Crystal and i'll finally accept that i am no longer on a college hiatus. Sigh.

Sweats and Threats.

2008-08-31T08:06:00.000-07:00

I had a 2 hour football work out session this morning and i'm exhausted. But i am determined determined determined to reach that top shape and be content with looking in the mirror every morning. Finding the motivation to exercise proves so much easier than picking up my Holocaust books or typing my personal statement. I think i'm finally done being angsty and angry all the time. My back started to ache from being hunched over in 'pissed-off' status all the time. Everything i do from this point will be so worth it if it means i'm one step closer to him and one step further away from you. I'm done weighing up my past actions against other people's who claim to be saints. I know everyone for what they are and i love who i have in my life irregardless of what they aren't.

Current loves;
The Get-Up Kids
smiling because of him
laughing because of my friends
gameboy
early nights and lay-ins avec music
life sans MSN
yoga, yoga, yoga
summer fruit
california countdown

current hates;
Only being deprived of what i love

Motivation Please Apply Here.

2008-08-25T03:04:00.000-07:00

I need need need to at least find some direction for my Holocaust project but so far have made notes, written a letter and wanted to die on the inside. I have more chance lifting the Statue of Liberty off the ground than I do my excuse for a project. It doesn't help that the whole thing isn't college-compulsory, because i feel like I'm doing them a favour doing it it's hard feeling like i'll be doing ME a favour doing it. Urrrrggggh someone put me in hospital with two broken hands or something so i have SOME excuse (even if it's just for myself) as to why I'm not doing it.

I'm going to at least try rent more books out of the library this afternoon. It's definately obvious that the Government are somewhat lacking in their library funds and then wonder why half the Country is illiterate..hmmm. They didn't have any of the five books I asked for and went as far to accuse me of already having 15 books at home. I hate to break it to you Norfolk library, but it doesn't seem your shelves possess 15 books i'd want to rent out. And then i wonder why i haven't got the drive to complete my project. Well I don't wonder, i know, i'd rather spend the time watching films and playing gameboy whilst listening to Have Heart or something. Dire.

At least I have something to look forward to, 59days.

'a garden of potential, submerged in the rain'.

E-Tickets and Early Rises

2008-08-22T04:40:00.000-07:00

I haven't got up late one day this week, and i honestly feel better for it. I've bust my ass everyday doing something or another. And I don't miss having nothing to do a single bit. The fact my beau lives 5500 miles away is a big enough reminder that time is precious until you have it completely to your disposal. I don't want ever want mine to be wasteable. It's once you cross the lazy-days threshold that going back is about as favourable as having a bird shit on you; it stinks and is nothing but effort. Hence why the dole is normally for life, as is my crazy hate for it(and my penchant for mentioning it TOO often).

I've ordered my plane tickets for October and i finally feel like i can be happy about being here asides Clare and Franki again. It has purpose, to put money in the bank and aid me in succeeding in life. College isn't so bad when i think about it, it's just a shame i don't get to go on my own. I have a ton of things to be getting on with, and I'm disappointed that i've been getting slack with my posts, but I'm about 60% sure that the majority of people who read this blog do so for their own negative gratification. They're looking for jokes to make at my expense, and gossip to talk about with other people as pathetic because it beats having to evaluate and thus become discontent with themselves. Satisfying.

I love my life.
'We few, we happy few, we band of brothers'.

This Is What Living Like This Does

2008-08-18T05:02:00.000-07:00

My mum had the talk with me today, the long-awaited 'what are you doing with your life' discussion that only results in you finding yourself defending everything you've ever believed in, but consequently you too re-evaluate everything you've done with yourself for the past couple years. Even further consequently you kick yourself for every 'mistake' you've ever made. It really made me think about freedom; i elude it from every pore, yet the only person who confines me is myself.

I've done a lot of things i've regreted, i hate myself for some of the time i've wasted with people who flake out and reinvent themselves into the epitome of everything i never wanted to be. But at the the same time, i've always done everything i've ever wanted, and never failed anything i strived to achieve. It really is true that the only person who holds you back from succeeding is yourself. The desperate dole citizens of this country who moan about not having the money to do as they choose are clear evidence of this.

I'm getting retainers to wear at night today; alas whilst i've spent the afternoon reassessing my youth i will shortly be reliving it every night for the rest of my life. I haven't put anything that metallic in my mouth since braces at 13. It's pathetic that i'm excited. My mum also asked me if i had 'bollocks' hanging from my ears today, no Mum they're cherry-shaped earrings. But thankyou for further establishing how little you like the life i lead right now. Hilarious.

'I got it bad, i got it bad, i got it bad, i got it bad, i've got it bad.'

Finding Faith

2008-08-16T12:55:00.000-07:00

Before the hardcore zelot in you screams your holy mary's no i have not found Jesus Christ, Allah or Jehovah. But since re-arranging my room last week i have,noteably, re-arranged my life further than i could have imagined. I know who, and what i want. I got my A-level results and i was pleased. Very pleased. And yeah, if you're a cock to me i will rub it in your face so leave me alone. I'm fully enjoying being a recluse asides the special people i text/email and the people i make time to see. Making plans that don't involve 99% of you is very exciting and exhilerating, i'm whole heartedly embracing the fact that people = shit. (god bless the philosophers in Slipknot).

Currently laying on my bed listening to TBS and contemplating, I am going to do yoga once i've finished talking about myself and intend on getting up early to go for a morning run. That time of day where mist still hangs in the air and just breathing outside makes you shiver. Like i said, fresh start. Which for me is going to involve working a little bit. I have yet to start my extended project (fuck) but I could have bigger things to worry about, like a £240 phone bill (oh shit clare i'm so sorry).

I've had a good week, i'm full of hope; someone press a flannel to my head and check i haven't got a fever. I've just found faith not only in myself, but in letting go. I sound like an arsehole and it's because right now i am, i denied your plans because i've denied you. If this what it feels like to have faith, consider me saved.

'I'll make damn sure, that you can't ever leave, no you won't ever get too far from me you won't.'

Apathy in the UK.

2008-08-10T09:42:00.000-07:00

Another day i failed to accomplish anything particularly other than the creation of some invites for my brother's birthday party. I don't care though. I wanted to generally de-clutter my life but have only so far managed to clutter the bin with food wrappers and drinks bottles. I've only really got excited over the fact my dad bought me some Krusha and that i had plenty of mail from my one and only to give me a reason to sign on this morning,(in reality was the afternoon, mmm lay-in).

I can't help but listen to the same songs, wear the same things and survive for the intent of fully living when the time comes. Right now it's the case of getting things done and not letting kids with angst and a hard-on for the interweb try verbally abuse me over msn for something that i frankly again don't care about. Aren't i just another shitty little kid from the UK who doesn't give a fuck about anything? Wrong. I just don't give a fuck about you and/or what you have to say about me. I care about the people I'VE decided I want to remain friends with, college, my health and predominantly (for good reasons) how much money i'm making. Aren't i shallow? Pathetic? Harsh? No i'm just realistic and have some respect, actually.

There is a lot of euphoria in the media at the moment over possible sightings of Madeline McCann, all these people claiming to have seen her, yet sat by and let her disappear again. If you think i'm a nasty person, what about these people? One minute the media is convinced she has been taken by a paedo ring, the next she is in Greece, Holland, the ground. Anything to fill the pages, suprisingly the World keeps turning.

'When you no longer have anyone to hate you hate yourself' - not going to happen.

Old Wives' Tales.

2008-08-09T14:48:00.000-07:00

They say you become wise with age. I haven't heard anything on such a grand scale of bollocks since they said they were fighting the war in Iraq for the good of the allied persons. I can think of too many instances where the given 'fact' is untrue. Today at work a customer, who was not only male (yes take note) and old but he asked about why the nectarines had little marks on them. They're branch marks, because suprisingly, and unfortunately, nectarines grow off branches. Also you'd think some people at the age of 20 would grow out of going out of their way to mock people almost 7 years their junior. Nope it seems some still have the audacity, and complete lack of self-confidence to resort to picking on people who are actually quite nice, for their own gratification.

I do hope when i reach 22, and have a boyfriend that i don't need to pick on girls i pretend to be friends with to feel good about myself. Hilarious.

Work made me ratty, not even icecream, a cream dohnut and a burger filled the gap. Maybe my bed will. Moulin Rouge just made me a teary wreck. Bring back my glorious 2 weeks, of beach walks, movies, eating out past 11pm and laying in bed enjoying time, irregardless of it running out.
'You were there, and i was with you, longing for you'.

Coma Update.

2008-08-06T14:08:00.000-07:00

Current mood; unsocial
Current personal wellbeing; blocked up nose, aching legs, tired eyes
Currently reading; 'silent scream' by Josh Cannon
Currently thinking; why can't I be in California?

Work today was bareable, however i drank three cans of soda and i'm contemplative as to what effect this is going to have on me, especially as i am currently drinking from the fourth. I think i have a post-America addiction to drinking soda everyday being morally (or personally) ok. I then got home, had approximately an hour to shower and recouperate from being up since 4am and i played football. Not so bareable.

Now i'm sulking and want to be sociable with the one person i can't be with right now. I'm tugging on my own heartstrings. Day to day is leaving me grey.

I'm glad i got to wear shorts out this afternoon. I also never knew there were so many ways to kill yourself. I guess i learnt today about auto-decapitation. I think from this evening onwards i'm going to be wary of anyone tying their shoe on the edge of the pavement. Maybe i should carry some 'don't do it' pamplets for safe measures. Maybe i should stop thinking about this when in reality i don't care all that much.
Maybe i should just go to sleep.

It Can't Rain All The Time

2008-08-05T10:50:00.000-07:00

I tend to find post-california life one big joke. Not only have i got a cold and sore throat but it's raining more than before i left and a balaclava-clad thug tried to rob my house last night - the sheer irony being that i was stranded in crime-strewn Peterborough at the time.

The matter of fact is NO-ONE tries to break into people's houses around here. Not only is Dereham horrifically confined, but everyone knows everyone to an extent that the proposed thief's mother probably buys her groceries off my parents. I currently feel further stranded in some poorly-concieved sitcom where burglars actually wear balaclavas and dress in black, avidly waiting in the hedgerow for my mother to leave to pick up her daughter who has had a mini adventure of her own during the course of the day; this ill-assembled blog the moral highground of today's episode and the character-consumer speech to make respective viewers out there consider the safety of their home and to be aware of when the last bus leaves so mummy doesn't have to come and rescue you at 11pm.

I'm money-pent and labour-addicted, worked today and work tomorrow. This is all i want to do with my time. I have plans to save up for that don't involve any of you.

Rest-less.

2008-08-03T09:52:00.000-07:00

I've never fully understood 'jet-lag' but i think sleeping from 5.30pm-8.30pm and then 11.30pm-4pm constitutes as my time-concept being potentially fucked. I am still so tired. It's 6pm and i want to sleep forever.

Being home has so far resulted in me failing to get dressed, being constantly reminded that in 3 weeks i didn't get a tan and just missing someone so bad its like a dull ache. I temporarily enjoy day-time tv, eating unnecessarily and absorbing as much literature as my over-dosed-on-sleep eyes can handle. I'll get back on track when time starts running out and i actually start caring about things again.

Work yesterday was the epitome of horrific. I, within the space of 12 hours, decided i have a phobia of getting soaked in the rain, and should never try to be a nice person with less than 3 hours of sleep. I again ate too much unnessarily and will probably once reality has kicked in return to my yoga complex and enough aerobics to cure obese-britain.
Welcome home.

Life, On Repeat.

2008-08-01T15:16:00.000-07:00

I always find when something gets repeated at random several times within a short period of my life that i truely question the means of 'coincidence' and 'fate'. Currently, 'Lewd Acts' has cropped up so many times within reading and coversation as of late when previously never before that i can only question why? I also question why i even worry about this little state of affairs. Probably because day to day at home my life is so repetitional that mind-boggling thought processes are the only way to make each day different, or meaningful.

Which brings me on to my main decision today (i have a main decision for everyday) that the best thought processes occur whilst pre-sleep. its the interperiod of getting into bed and drifting off where my greatest epiphanies (or conclusions about anything) occur. For a while i got into a habit of turning on the lamp and writing them down. Now i just lay there and hope my mind will be as active in the morning when i can be bothered to actually sit up and come to terms with the fact i'm still in that bed, in that room, predominantly on my own.

Ever ached for something so bad it simmers in the bottom of your stomach?
I completed my to-do list from yesterday within today's 24hour time span.
But i wore pink.

The Pursuit Of Happiness.

2008-07-31T12:45:00.000-07:00

At 17 years old and 10 months the last place i'd expect to truely find myself is in someone else. I can honestly say i've never been so sure of anything, but its almost like a continual pulse of just being so certain of how i feel about life right now that i've never been more secure.

Being home is like having a gunshot wound, life is seeping out of me onto the floor like a liquid i just want to sieve back in. I long to leave again but no longer to get away from the paparazzi existance that is the 'hardcore scene'. I realised by just not giving a shit they disappear. I'll relish in gossip because i'm honestly beyond caring. I just want to feel as happy as i did the past two weeks, i was complete. I feel almost out-of-character typing this as normally misanthropy wafts around me like a bad smell. But i know whole-heartedly (and i no longer feel pathetic about it) what i want.

The plane journey home today was slow torture. I realise that air hostesses actually have the job of care-home nurses while on flight. All us passengers sit like vegetated pensioners while we eat mushy food in silence, are brought pillows and blankets and are poured glasses of water. I didn't sleep a single bit. I watched pocahontas and chaos theory and upon doing so have recognised the importance and success in compiling lists to make life easier, less 'chaotic'.

Here is my list for tomorrow.
1)go to the job center
2)pay £30 into the bank (to cover going 'heavy' on my suitcase weight)
3)buy a 'trash can' for my room (haha)
4)buy toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner and makeup wipes
5)wear black.

i'm in superficial mourning, and counting down the days already.
i love some of my friends with all my heart.

Predictability Complex.

2008-07-21T15:13:00.000-07:00

Its depressingly all too apparent how predictable everything is in existance. Upon hearing about the poor turnout at the Bane show in Norwich whilst i was half way across the World i wasn't shocked. I'm also not suprised that I, in accordance, don't want to return home to this sorry state of affairs where half the 'kids' think they're too cool and half of them are too busy trying to be 'too cool' to turn up.

I'm not theoretically blowing my own scene-dedicated trumpet, i just think when a band as good (shut the fuck up if you make out you don't like them) as Bane get a turn out of 30 people in a place as central as Norwich i'm allowed to disrespect the people who think they have better things to do yet want to be someone's best friend if the 'in thing' is around a couple months later. If it sounds like i'm slurring my words and making no sense, this doesn't apply to you. But a lot of people know what i'm talking about and can thus understand why my current World-position is uncompromisable, i will with all my heart to stay here forever. Not because of the sunshine, the food or the still thriving contents of my purse, but because i don't feel let down or like i'm not worthy of those who are just too good to support their local scene.

In other news i'm going to orange county tonight and can't wait, intending to watching batman, hit up every show going from Wednesday onwards and eat my weight in cheese burgers. I want to find and not be found, watch and not be watched, exist but not be existing. This mind-relapse came in sunshine-state packaging.

Accents and Accidents.

2008-07-18T18:25:00.001-07:00

Americanisms currently rule my life. As does having angst and not missing home a single bit. I miss my home, but not the UK. I love In and Out burger, the lack of responsibility and 24/7 do-what-the-fuck-i-want.
I've already decided what life at home is going to entail. I mean this dreamland of existance is surely coming to an end and so reclusion is the only option. I have plenty of essay writing to complete. A room to go over and memory-destroy and secretive projects i wish to complete.
Its funny what a change in life style can reek havoc upon once you get into a routine that was slowly but surely killing you from the inside out. Its cringe-worthy to say i have had an epiphany but it's so true i'm beyond cringing and more wishing the apocalypse would come already (apparently i say this funny). Apparently i say a lot of things funny; but i think this has been common place since i've had the notion to speak my mind, or just open my big mouth.

The only bountiful prospect of home is skateboarding, now i wonder what i can get away with taking back in my suitcase with me. Because there is too much here that i don't want to leave behind. Tu me merde.

Dollar Fever

2008-07-14T23:07:00.001-07:00

Sunburn successfully subdued to an extent; i took a bold step out today wearing just shorts, that's right shorts not aided by knee high socks or tights to camoflage my red battle paint but plain standard 'flash them pins' shorts. It was liberating to say the least. Sure, i still had some dashing red streaks to add some urrrrr 'colour' to my legs but i no longer wanted to be cooked by my futile attempts to cover my beach blunders up.

We went shopping in thousand oaks (for the second time, oh dear) and i purchased the best transformers shirt since my NY boutique buy of feb'08 (yes i know we are STILL in 2008 but y'know). Being in california seems to not only have liberated my sun-shy thighs but my wallet; me and Clare can't help but shop. I don't even like shopping yet the prospect of outlets and sales and Betsy Johnson boutiques is overwhelming.

I'm getting kind of pissed, however, with the money other people expect me to spend. Its funny how friendship crops up around dollar time. Yeah i saved a fair wad to come out to the USA, but no i'm not going to spend it on you. I'm not even sorry; just realistic. I'm a student, who holds down two jobs just to run her own car and have a life outside of the library. I can't buy you every American item you ever dreamed of, let alone fit it in my inadequate suitcase.

mmmm Anaheim tomorrow, so stoked i can't sleep!

Burrrnnnnedddd.

2008-07-11T21:28:00.000-07:00

Went to Malibu today, i underestimated the sheer intensity of how sensitive my skin is. After applying sunblock on the hour every hour i still got so burnt i can't move properly. It seems i underestimate a lot of things and a lot of people. I love the way of life here, although not quite true right now i'm comfortable in my own skin.
I'm so worried of what i will come to when i get home in three weeks though, so worried i wanna hide under clothes not only to hide the hideous red reign but to hide away forever. Its worrying how safe and happy i feel on my own.

I was going to go to the movies tonight but i'm in on my own surfing the net, which by the way is the only surfing i have done today regardless of cooking myself on Zuma beach from 10am-3pm. I've been here two days yet i already feel so out of touch with what i left behind.

Just so you know i know you're moving on. I'm being left behind too.
On a brighter note (oh the irony) i'm so excited for plans.

C U Next Tuesday.

2008-07-08T15:45:00.000-07:00

T-minus 8 hours until i bid this hell-hole farewell for three weeks. This town has a somewhat quirky ability to squash hope like a bug or something equally as out-sized by the world in human form. I cannot wait for a break and to forget that people decide to hate me for being a 'stick with tits' or because i don't talk to one of their friends.

I guess this post is more of a notice to inform that i will leave blogs when and where i can, and do my best to stay in touch with the people that have done all in their power to remain in contact with me. I can't help but theorise and bullshit for a couple paragraphs everyday or so so no doubt you'll be hearing from my angst-filled chest cavity, as faux as it might possibly be.

My sister got back from Tenerife today and bought me a Betty Boop lilo, such an awesome present, although due to excessive garment-weight i shall not be bringing it to California and thus its first breach of water will probably be our bath tub. I think i'm packed, i'm getting up 2 hours early tomorrow to check again.
My heart lies in CA.

War is for Whores.

2008-07-07T09:55:00.000-07:00

I went into college much against my will today but actually had a good time. Titled 'global awareness day' we actually only focused on Africa, while ironically quite expansive isn't the entire World... but none the less it was a good experiance using Lego for role play and being given the opportunity to design a bunch of t-shirts to be auctioned to raise money for the WarChild charity.

I got to debate in the afternoon over lowering the voting age to 16 which I (quite pathetically) am wholeheartedly for. I was informed that most sixteen year olds 'don't care' for what occurs in their country; i stiffled a giggle, coincidently they 'won't care' in 20 years so what difference does it make, why not give us young'uns who aren't ignorant cunts a chance to prove that no we don't want to pay road toll and yes, we're sick of you spending our taxes on horrific proposals of creative display.. e.g. a red memorial-wall in a hospital worth £13million that you later remove because it 'gives staff and patients a headache'. But then i'm not 18 yet so how can i give a shit about anything? Apparently age matters more than the capability to formulate an opinion, or give a fuck.

I'm sat drawing up these shirts and aching, it was the first match of the season yesterday and my butt and thighs feel like i've been clenched in a digger-claw. I'm walking like the girl who was paid £30,000 to let 30 guys fuck her in succession. Packing almost done, literally one day to go.
'Stoked on it'.

This Is England..

2008-07-03T13:18:00.000-07:00

Working in fresh fruit and vegetable produce allows for me to come across the more 'patriotic' of our public; and to be quite frank, its a fucking old record. It's mind numbing being asked over and over whether 'this' is British or 'that' is British. Firstly, and foremost, it will say on the tag whether it is British or not and actually, when i honestly think about it, and thus predominantely your patriocy is bullshit. You claim you only want to eat British produce... how about quit wearing threads that some Indian child threw together at 50p a day and buying everything made out of plastic that was clap-house-founded in China. I get fucking tired of you telling me you can't eat something because its not British, i don't care about your dislike for the French.

Its people like you that make prices so high and my job so fucking difficult. When you knit your own cardigans and drive a Ford i'll take your country-men claims seriously and believe for just a minute you actually have any idea what you're talking about. British asparagus was ceased almost a month ago, just because Jamie Oliver is still using it on tv doesn't mean i'm lying.

I'm not proud to live in this country for a second. One of my dad's sisters just got given a 4 bedroom house for £240 a month for the fact she can't help but sit on her ass and get pregnant. California couldn't happen any sooner if it tried.

All Dressed Up and No Where To Go.

2008-07-02T07:13:00.000-07:00

It's always when i don't need to get ready with haste that i do. I have this uncanny ability to get dressed and motivated with rocket speed when actually, this is the only day in about 2 months i haven't had to do so. So now i sit, makeup still application-perfect, hair relatively straight considering its lion-mane existance and clothes pristine asides the small orange juice drop i just accumulated on the front of my shirt; which is karma for being a smarmy bitch and drinking out of the carton.( i offically got smited by a packaged drink). I hate waiting for anything. I think i count down the days better than advent calanders for anything and its torturous, why oh why are the best things always the furthest away?

I seem to also be wearing my acid tongue today, one more sharp comment and someone will rip my head off probably. I can't help be perspicacious and then have a snide comment come out like word-vomit. I always end up verbally spewing something i shouldn't have mentally digested throughout the course of today but my word-sickness seems to be currently in abundance. I guess i am a little bitter that i am fretting over clothing for California regardless of the fact i have tons of it and i woke up at 7.30am today only to be at college for 15minutes.

I need to learn to use the sewing machine, my cut-up-band shirt creations are progressing to become what one could consider 'off the hook', clothes hook style haha. Ohhhh i need to get out. Los Angeles in 8 days seems like a good destination.

Guilt Trip City

2008-06-30T15:59:00.000-07:00

I forever question people's ability within sex and nutrition and first aid education to make you feel like shit for existing. If i'm not belittled for being sexually aware from the waist down i'm spurned for not knowing how to perform CPR or go a whole day without eating something i actually like the taste of and doesn't close-resemble rabbit food.

In the space of 1 hour periods i was made to feel like the fact i'm even breathing is a crime. I merely instigated the legal stipulation behind voluntary medical acceptance of a cardiac-arrest victim and the help-whore suggested i'd mug the poor bastard lying on their deathbed with no intention of pumping their chest until they cough up a lung or something. I'm sorry patron saint of CPR i didn't realise having interest in something was a fucking crime? Maybe if i ever come across you dying of a heart attack i'll choke you a little bit and see whether you want to sue me then?

I made it more than obvious i was sexually liberated in the 'having it' session, not only did i win at putting the condom on 'percy the penis'(wtf?) but i aptly named myself Jessica Jism and continued to get every question right, if i didn't sound like the biggest slut in there then i'm the medical response's biggest fan.

It was a sucky day, not even a massive meal with dessert made it better. My sister is leaving for her holiday tomorrow and i can honestly say i'm gonna miss her a little bit? Am i losing my touch? I don't think so, i took it into my own hands to verbally abuse my football coach earlier.

i don't want to sleep alone tonight.

Who Are You Anyway?

2008-06-29T08:42:00.000-07:00

I've watched the day go past my window, and everything has stayed the same. I woke up alone at 1.30pm. I can't help but feel absent waking up to complete silence and wandering aimlessly for a little while in next to nothing drinking juice and wondering what i am going to make out of having nothing to do.

I feel tired and withdrawn in all honesty, don't be confused. I'm content, just not quite here. I've been watching, and don't as me why, 'girls of the playboy mansion' and its bizzare how they all have blonde hair. Apparently although brunettes have more fun, blondes are more likely to get naked for money? I'm not sure, this program only reinforces society's warped view of the perfect figure. When you ask anyone to draw a chick they always have a super skinny waist and huge boobs, genetically, thats very unlikely. But also quite commical.
Maybe getting a boob-job would increase my chances of rolling in it as opposed to working hard for a degree? Or maybe I could just 'roll around' with the right people to ensure success. This could quite possibly be the biggest career decision i'm going to make.

This is my actual sugar-daddy advert. Apply here.
Hahaha i need fresh air before i think i'm Barbi Benton.
11 days!

Summer Sniffles

2008-06-27T12:58:00.000-07:00

I forever question my inability to go a whole month without getting sick. Yes, i understand i have anaemia and yes, i understand i have a delapidated immune system. But honestly? I do everything a health-abiding freak should, i get rest, i moisturise,i cleanse, i eat plenty of fruit, i drink well. If i get one more runny nose or sore throat i'm gonna run straight to the noose so i can hang by it. I've sniffed so much my head is permantly held in a snobby posture and my head hurts from all the sharp inhalations and coughing that is sure to have rattled whatever contents it contains.

I've left the house for work at 3.30am the past couple days and not got home 'til 5.30pm. I feel like a slave to the working man's day, i miss using college as an excuse to neglect hard labour, yet want to to nourish the fruit of my loins with out the picking. I'm just picky, i want to have my cake and eat it. Even all this metaphorical use of food suggests i'm a greedy bitch, if only for a small fortune to spend plenty of dollar in the sunshine state.

I'm sorry for my ramblings, i'm tired, in a state of disillusion that is ache-induced, and i have small tasks yet to be completed that work just gets in the way of. I asked someone how he liked his plums today. I win.
12 days? you fucking bet it is.

Commit This To Memory

2008-06-23T05:04:00.000-07:00

I woke up at 11.30am and stumbled into the kitchen to eat candyfloss for breakfast. I was kinda glad i woke up at this time and not my usual 2pm after a late night as i kind of feel half of the day is wasted, and as much as my bed is my other half, it can too get clingy and make me feel inadequate at succeeding in life.
However i'm now sat online, nursing rashy feet and listening to Motion City Soundtrack.

I pity my habit to start any day with great expectations only to exult in lounging half dressed and eating anything i come into contact with that has a lot of sugar, including toothpaste.

I can't express my distaste at speaking/using telephones. Whenever i try and call anyone they never pick up, if they do pick up i never know what to say or when to end the conversation. My phone personality is dire, especially as i normally only phone someone to break bad news, maybe i should run a funeral hotline. I think i've adopted a solemn tone that would be more suited to announcing death in the family rather than admitting i can't teach at summer school this July as 'i'm on holiday'.
I love saying that, i'm going away. Finally.

Mon Lit C'est Ton Lit.

2008-06-22T18:47:00.000-07:00

Trying to belong to anything is a funny concept. I mean; 'if you can't beat them, join them' is a great idea and all but most people don't like to be joined. Individuality is the cherry to any icing and frankly, the people who try hardest to attain it don't have any of it. I don't appriciate girls pretending to like me in person and proving otherwise behind the comfortable capacity of their desk and their CPU. It's pathetic; if you can't get over the fact i too possess a vagina and too have the capability of attracting the male population then maybe you should scout for guys in an obesity clinic or a care-home. Even then i think your raging jealous-complex would ooze out of you like an oil spillage and people would avoid you like the anorexic do calories.

I think when i initially get over my penchant for driving at 3am listening to Motion City Soundtrack and racing the lights along the motorway and wandering around in my own comfortable capacity in underpants and a vest i'll worry even less about whether i belong or whether i'm happy bobbing along amongst the envy-bandits and their incapability to accept themselves. Its not good hating me for the size of my jeans or what guys i speak to because essentially you're hating on yourself, and it's very boring.

I went to two shows this weekend, again talking about belonging its funny how people change. I also now hate speed cameras more than i hate college, this is a conquest, they generally petrify me. I've driven so many miles that telephone numbers seem to have less digits. In a few words i feel like i have brain trauma. Sleep.
17 days.

Late Night Aches..

2008-06-19T17:46:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged seriously in a while. I guess i'm partially on a blogtox. I went to court yesterday and sat in on a murder trial. I think i've felt less intrusive walking in on someone when they're pissing. I generally felt like i was peversing the rules of privacy by sitting in the public gallery. As a law student in a law establishment; you're treated like shit. No one appriciates sharing their bad business, yet forever want to know the bad business of others.
It was a weird day, i never felt so saint-worthy in all my life.

I've finally got my tickets for california and quite selfishly i feel like i can stop acting like the war wounded, preaching about how hard i've worked and how i just want some time off. Hardwork to shite; i adore being a student, i adore leaving this shithole behind for 3 weeks to bronze and drink my weight in milkshake.

My time is currently filled earning every penny i can and making extensive lists. I can't sleep for late night cartoons and too much orange juice. I hate wishing time away, but this day countdown has got a-hold of me. 20 days.
20 whole days.

Growing pains.

2008-06-16T15:10:00.000-07:00

I got tripped 4 times today. Going out with the rest of my family is not only painful but apparently quite embarrassing it seems. We went to the dentist and it was again, painful. My own dad tripped me up as i went to get my mouth poked. I think i've offically lost all dignity when venturing out in public, particularly as upon scrutinising other people for poor dress sense or toilet paper on their shoe; i'm forever the jackass with food down her front or the one to fall flat on her face as a result of a cruel inter-related joke.

Today only reinforced my hatred of the dentist. The waiting room smells of death, mostly because it's next victims have claimed all the chairs with their polyester trousers and free travel passes. The magazines are outdated, and convieniently they always have every ancient genre that you wouldn't read - 'Dentist Monthly' or 'Women and Home'; a poorly structured waste of tree that harvests women who would actually buy Kylie Minogue's Bedroom range as potential readers.

Upon finally making it past the department store cafe crew into the dentist chair i only spend the next 10 minutes wondering what they honestly think of the insides of my mouth and whether everytime they say 'good oral hygiene' they too think of the sexual connotation. Probably not. Probably just me. I was still shown the big plastic replica of a set of gums and teeth, made aware of the bits most significant to be tended to, and avidly invited back in six months time so she could shine a light in my eyes once more and i could feel as 'orally' violated.

Suffice to say that my life is unsignificant enough at this given moment in time to the extent that a trip to see the dentist is as traumatic as dying, or something.
I want to work out why i no longer paint my nails red, but opt for black...
just what is it i'm trying to say?

Carousel.

2008-06-14T10:53:00.000-07:00

For once i generally have very little to say. I got up at 3.30am for work today without fuss. I sweat my ass off after making the mistake of wearing thermals in preperation for wet weather, am drowing in an abundance of sweets that i bought half price and once again got paid in £5 notes that make my purse look like a pimp's back pocket. I'm going out tonight for chips and pitta, cinema, popcorn and generally hating life but loving best friends.

I love how Blink 182 makes memories slideshow through my brain through every song, i can sing every word and love the song like its the first time i've heard it. sheer bliss.

Sometimes, everything just about seems ok.

How Do You Do's and Don'ts

2008-06-12T05:14:00.000-07:00

The sun is out today, not entirely but enough in bouts for me to venture out with makeup and a smile on my face. I went alloy shopping (it was successful to an extent) and decided to take my dog for a walk. What i realised upon waving to several aquaintances with said smile on my face is generally how much more friendly this county of Britain is.

In comparison to more commerical, built up areas, we're more welcoming upon seeing people we recognise. previously when i've been out in other places with friends and they find themselves in the same situation, their 'hello' is more of a 'yes i recognise your existance but no i don't necessarily enjoy it'. You could almost say with our slow approach to life/technology plus the swaying difference in population means we not only take a more postive approach to acknowledging people we know but treating them like friends, regardless of the fact we know little about them other than the yoga class we once shared or the fact that they too shop in Tesco the day we do, usually, but not always.

Basically, its comforting, easily the only thing i'll miss about this little place asides the questionable fashion sense and even further questionable intelligence of its population, which could give hindsight to their greeting capabilities/preferences.

I've written a whole lot about nothing today, i'm temporarily defined by a quirky haircut that i don't like as of when it was cut yesterday night and another serious bout of yoga.

A Day Down the Gutter.

2008-06-11T11:49:00.000-07:00

I feel ill today. A kind of 'i slept too long' ill that makes me dizzy and the fresh air from the window gratifying. Esentially, i feel rough. I want to shower but not yet, i want to dry my hair and admire it for once, not wish it was someone else's.
I'm feeling that kind of shallow where you're thankful for someone else having a bad day, or knowing that you're prettier than your ex's new conquest. A guilty shallow.

I did nothing today, how unaccomplished. I braved the outdoors for 1lb of carrots and a packet of fruitella. I shamefully glanced at anyone who happened to spot me out in my hoody and shorts, hair untamed and face naked and hope they didn't recognise that yes i felt like a mess and yes i was hoping they weren't looking at me like i was looking at them. For approval.

I guess you could say that mood; disgruntled. I don't like feeling like the kid everyone calls a skank at school. But i can't help waking up at 3pm and not wanting to get dressed. I sink with ease into lounging in pjs, eating weetabix infront of afternoon cartoons and doing the chores without haste or precision. Changing the sheets of my bed while i sway to Blink and hoovering with a notion of my feet not quite touching the ground. I'm quite apathetic asides my own disappointment at my failure for carpe diem.

Tomorrow when i go 'sweet rims' shopping i hope i'll seize the day. I have to get up at 9am; questionably a positive start. Probably not.

Thoughtfully Hungover.

2008-06-10T12:17:00.000-07:00

Sometimes i wish i had the desire to get drunk. I don't know why I'm admitting this out loud, or within a space that people could read, take into consideration and judge me upon. But i sometimes feel drunk, like i'm acting like someone else, and when i have enough thoughts in bed to make me feel hungover the next day i wish i woke up drunk. So i wouldn't think like i'm thinking, act like i'm acting and say what i'm saying.

Sometimes i take pristine nail polish off only to repaint my digits in the same colour, i like to read the paper whilst i do this and think about other people's bullshit instead of my own. Maybe if i was drunk i wouldn't do such a thing, i'd think about going out and jumping hedges, kissing friends and singing so it echoes off buildings in alleyways and the wind carries it to everyone's ears who would disapprove. I know i have the capability to do this when i'm not drunk however.. and have before.

I worked out too much today and bathed twice. Well my second bath is pending but i can't wait to get in it, read my book and not only nurse my aching muscles but sooth my head. My thought processes make me drunk; i'm disorrientated and can't work out what has happened, is going to happen or never happened at all. I didn't like the taste of dinner, but i'm going to like the taste of icecream after my bath.

I've now decided that i don't have any rigid desire to drink, i'm not that fickle, to make this decision based on social preference or the fact that i want to forget most the things i do.

Home Sweet Home.

2008-06-09T07:20:00.000-07:00

I haven't been behind my own front door for more than two hours in the last 4 days and i can't truthfully say i've missed it. Sure i've missed comforts like high juice on tap and my love-to-hate fuelled laptop but its been nice to spend over 80hours with Lauren and generally hate on life in a plural as opposed to singular cynical resent that tends to make me more feel like Dalia ++ angst than Jessica 'achieving but forever wanting'.

With the phrase 'i want out' i whole heartedly concur, sometimes i feel like trashing everything i'm interested in to live a life of listening to CD's in my car with my friends only for A-B to be Home-round the block-home and for days to be spent not driving to rumour-fuelled shows but in bed watching 'get rich or die trying' and wishing i too was a gangster rapper with more metal than sense. I no longer think summer is going to be about venues and live bands but car-trips and singalongs where we ride to get chips and pitta and icecream and not be glorified by word-from-mouth bullshit that consumes even the normally most placid of people.

I've had an amazing and shit weekend all at the same time, the only reason i'm glad to be home is that the only person to talk about me is me, and i've got very little to say.

Can I Smell Summer?

2008-06-04T07:02:00.000-07:00

I feel out of touch today, it's mostly overcast yet i'm sauntering about the house in shorts, drinking coke straight out of the 2litre bottle and listening to blink with all the windows open. Summer definately fills me with a euphoria thats almost indescribable. I really believe that the sun, or prospect of sunshine makes 'same shit different day' syndrome less apparent.

I can't wait to drive to lowestoft later with Lauren in the front seat listening to crunk and racing boys up the A47-straight. I am going to live for moments spent with my girlfriends relishing our freedom and cursing every human being in existance to posess a penis. I pray we get enough sunshine this summer to do so every week, before i know it i really will be burning my bra and pledging alligience to the notion that although a single woman post 30 is more likely to be victim to a terrorist attack than find a husband thats how i want to be. I'll be the crazy bitch with 9 cats and a vibrator in her knicker drawer.

I am addicted to a ridiculous online game called 'fashion solitaire' and its tainting my ability to web-socialise and walk away from my laptop for more than an hour without withdrawal symptoms. Summer is the only solution.

'But I'd play with fire to break the ice
And I'd play with a nuclear device
Is it something I'll regret?
Why do I want what I can't get?
I wish it didn't have to be so bad'

Tired Eyes

2008-06-03T14:50:00.000-07:00

Currently, i feel constantly lasooed by some dull ache that sits just behind my eyes and makes response slow. Whilst it feels like a handicap everything slows down kind of and i find it a lot easier to just breathe. I tend to find that i never have the time to take in my surroundings; well ironically, now i'm plagued with tired eyes i can. If just for a few extra seconds.

I woke up at 12.30pm today, initially i was disappointed, i never know how i manage to spend half the day in bed when i'm normally so pent on doing things and achieving something, even if its getting up early enough to insult one of my parents just before they go to work.

My love of weetabix and morning cartoons is expanding, well i say morning, cartoons anytime of the day seeing as i am also currently encapable of getting up before noon, regardless i'm in love. I couldn't feel more natural huddled in my sheets with a bowl and the simpsons for company; i have a secret adoration for big shirts and morning hair that is untainted by the general zeitgeist of feeling rough in the morning. I never feel rough, i feel at home.

I can't stop thinking about that exam yesterday and how i feel like i completely blew over. Then there's you..

'i'm not saying i can't live without you. I just don't want to.'

2008-06-02T02:44:00.000-07:00

2.5hours to my last exams and counting. I woke up at 10 to spend the next couple hours consoling myself and eating cereal. I barely slept last night and had one of those confusing experiances of feeling like i'm asleep but the constant vomit of pointless thought and constantly turning the pillow for the cold-side soon reminded me that i wasn't.

The problem with life currently is its lack of entirety. Existance can be personified as a half eaten sandwich or the 40% coke 60% saliva in the last sip of coke. I never got anybody who claimed that, surely if it still tastes like coke and its your own saliva.. it shouldn't matter? Existing is waiting. Waiting for emails back, waiting for summer, waiting for results, waiting for the next step if its college, or a job or dying. Its the difference between queuing at the post office or for the ride of your life. I get bored of waiting, yet i'm always looking for the next big thing. I think there are two people in life, the people that do the finding and the people that will with all their heart to be found.

Now; back on to getting dressed and desperately trying to complete-last-minute cram any information i can on Stalin, and the bore that is Britain inter-wars. Again waiting for 1pm to come and go.
Jesse Bradford is a dreamboat.
And happy June folks, another month just disappeared with the tide.

A Pleasure To Have In Class

2008-05-30T11:55:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is going to be hell, quite simply. Work 5am-4pm and then 6pm-12am. Yeah fair enough its money but it'll soon spend that on comics, a tattoo, my proposed trip to california or on petrol. Half the time i can't even face getting in my car knowing how much its gonna cost me to fill it up. I feel sorry for anyone living in Chelsea, the price is a sweet £1.50 a litre. That's fucking ridiculous! Some article i read today stated that for every £75 you spend on petrol £44 of it is tax.
I then, after reading, compiled a short list of things i'd spend £44 on;
1)Some new heels
2)my plane fare
3)my tattoos
4)River Island
5)The rest of the Naruto book series
6)THAT bag out of soho-hip.

I dunno, what probably more resembles hell is the fact that regardless of how much they charge us, the problems they are trying to solve will never get better. They're keeping people alive a lot longer than they should and suppyling free health care to people who don't even have full British citizenship. Again in another article i read today however there is new law on disability allowance so finally they're salvaging some of the money being spunked out of the system.

It doesn't help i'm currently listening to Suicide File. And have been revising all day. Not only am i slightly disappointed in myself that i always kinda forget how amazing suicide file are but i'm physically sick of studying. I haven't even done that much studying considering but still if i make one more flash card i might just spontaneously combust or do a Britney and shave my head to get attention.

I propose for an early night, post reading in the bath and watching peepshow.
Save me?