Reverently Alone

I wish self-confidence was something physical and tangible so I could take it in my hands or keep it in my pocket so I didn't have to look for it on a daily basis. As I step further away from parental guidance I find my self-belief diminishing and this nihilistic, shirking form invade where I lose all sense of self worth and intellectual assertiveness. It's funny what ability the modern surroundings have in reducing someone (namely me) into a reclusive and unassured mess of indignation and unease. Tempted by the consumerist plight of the media and capitalism I am then thrust back into the grasp of self-depreciation because I'm not boasting whatever perverse bodily form the fashion magazines are imposing upon our increasingly impressionable youth.

People wonder why I'm isolationist. I'm just looking for an escape, I care no longer whether it is something I have materially and fictionally conjured up between the pages of books and comics, between the four walls of my room that I feel I will never grow to resent. As long as I never have to face up to what the World expects me to be I think I'm going to be just fine.

To Do's and Dont's.

When something unfortunate happens to me, it seems to spurn some sort of avalanche of unfortunate events until I'm suffocating under a ton of misfortune and am feeling desperately sorry for myself. I've broken the washing machine and I have a million things to do. My ability to write lists and use them seems to have been made redundant by my own self-pity. I consistently wish I possessed the aptitude to make certain decisions, and didn't have to mix my words just to get something off my chest without actually saying what the problem is. My life is just a metaphor I can't create but will spend forever trying to describe.

I am so grateful for anyone that loves me for the way I am.

Amateur Psycho-analogy.

It's funny how I'm always wondering what the people who see me in a negative light are thinking about me right now. That's if they're thinking about me at all. I personally find I only ever think with particular intensity about the people I'm very very fond of, and the people I can't stand. I, as a result think this habit exists in everyone who knows me, and dislikes me. And even though I don't care, I'm thinking about what they're thinking right now.

It's also funny how it's the fleeting thoughts that really consume my mental being for any given amount of time. One day I think I'm going to write all my particularly quirky thoughts and the ideas/divergences that they transcend to into a book, and illustrate it with amateur drawings.

It just particularly provides as a distraction for all the things I don't want to be pondering. I suppose.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

It's 2010 and I've never wanted a previous year to return like I do right now. This year has already been plagued with injustices and general day-to-day bullshit and it's when personal misfortune begins to pile up that one begins to analyse better times and inner cynicism as well as self-depreciation occurs. I feel little need in detailing what has made me become so self-consumed and pitiful, I just vowed as some pseudo- resolution for the (somewhat overrated) New Year's zeitgeist that I'd get online and write this more, and just write more generally. For someone who used to be so self-driven I'm floating amongst a sea of half-fledged ideas and unfinished projects.

I'm finally getting down with some reading and have just started the Transmetropolitan series by Warren Ellis under Vertigo. It's dark, utterly crude and disastrously fitting for my current state of mind. Regardless of my distaste for the way this year has started I pledge to stay on top of my work at University so I can continue reading and writing and being narcissistic. I'm so scared of losing my intellectualism to my own disappointment at the way things always turn out. I'm increasingly likening myself to the hare who lost the race, not because she thought she was better than the tortoise, but burnt out before she was old enough to understand what she should have done with her agility.