Life, Revised.

I'd say this photo sums up my life right now. I'm so lost in various pages of a series of books that i somehow remember the name of long after i've post-it noted them to death. I can't actually recognise how i exist outside of evaluating historic articles and relentlessly trawling Google to be certai that my research is consistent. I'm pseudo-run down. I honestly believe that the only reason i'm blowing my nose more than a hooker does clients is because i'm subconciously feeling very very sorry for myself. I want to get this work done more than i want life currently, it's so pathetic and the minute i finish it I'll realise what an ass i have been/am always.

Currently sipping Sprite (again it's self-sympathy, the calories/sugar help me cope)sniffing my own face up my nose and sneezing into the keys. I want to go on Xfactor, and see my boyfriend again because not only does oral seem like the most comforting thing right now, but i can honestly say i feel so absent without him. I'm not here, i'm wandering.

It's MY Life

I'm watching this late night debate show and there's a very good reason why it's late night. It's an accumulation of Britain's sweatiest and most pompous bigots talking out of their asses more than anything. I haven't written on here for a while, I think it's best to say I've been mentally challenged. I've honestly found it hard recently to produce anything from my thought processes that isn't complete bullshit. My perfect example is in recent study of Chaucer in a group of students, we were discussing his meaning behind 'urinals' being as the public toilets our male population has come to cherish/piss all over obviously weren't around pre 1500. My only able contribution to the conversation was that he was infact talking about penises. I then continued to sniff for the rest of the lesson because my cold has seemed to consume not only my nasal passage and throat but every nerve ending that extends beyond my neck.

It's watching this program that's made me realise how much i hate when people all talk at the same time. I've realised a lot of things recently. I like to buy or rent books when I'm sad, can never find a pair of shoes i like when i set out to buy some new ones and no longer need to worry about what other people have that i don't. I might not have 'everything', but everything i have seems so wonderful to me.

New Have Heart rocks my world, although i guess it isn't so new anymore.

UK-ill me.

Fact; if you don't hate England you love London. Albeit it being the most active/expansive city in the UK, it's apparently the place to be. Other than traditional country views we as a county have very little to offer if you're actually British. I'd love to be a tourist visiting the UK on occasion. But I'm not, i live here. I feel raped of my money, culture and future. I probably won't ever be able to buy my own home here for a verrrrrrry long time unless the Government owns it. And lets fact it; they can't own EVERYONE'S houses for them. I can't be bothered to get all definitive and 'nitty gritty' but I'm location-unhappy. You can't ever amount to much as an individual it appears if you aren't from various 'hot spots' within our country limits. So i won't even delve into various other things i could possibly say about my place of origin.

I have a lot of reading to do and tired eyes. I want to watch Lord of The Rings with my boyfriend and hot chocolate. It's the first match of the season tomorrow and I bless my eternal taste in football for keeping me active and aiding me in to refrain from becoming consumed in other people's lives because when it comes down to it, I'm jealous. Only Clare will know what I am talking about.
I wish people could tell the difference between a thesaurus and a dictionary.

Lunch Breaks and the Boredom Associated.

Although technically not considered a 'lunch break' anymore by the college bigwigs, it can't be anything but a college lunchbreak because i am bored out of my skull. I percieve myself as sounding so life-unfufilled seeing as most my posts seem to mention how exasperatingly bored I am - but you have to understand; as a college student i can't spend 80% of my life as anything other than bored. It seems to be around the same time everyday that i am faced with the dire prospect of feeling like i have nothing of interest to do. Sure i could be reading one of the 25 or so books to consider for my projects, but yet another thing one must understand as a college student is that it is a hidden rule that we fail to do what we should or could be doing to pass the time. I've only been in since 11.30 (and i was late) and i still feel hard done by.

I think you know as much as i do now that i don't particularly like people. Generally. What other reason have i got for sitting on on Tuesday nights watching policing programs about drunk men falling asleep in a doorway, only to wake up and take a leak on the side of a church? None. I didn't even enjoy the program, again it just passed time. I resent how pathetic I make myself sound, yet relish it at the same time.

I want sweets.

Coping With My Addiction.

I don't know how many days i'm into my chocolate and sweets hiatus but i can honestly say it's torture. Not only does every gorilla Cadbury's advert seem to have suddenly restablished it's slot on television but my house is suddenly over run with enough chocolate bars to treat Africa at Christmas. I can't see i'll last like the end of Ocotber like i pledged. My desire for calorie-intake in 5 snapable segments is outweighing most thought processes, not all, but most.

Today was the start to the first full week of college and i already want to staple and holepunch the shit out of every student who goes other than me. I only have 15 lessons a week but it's enough for my brain to seep out of my ears in sheer mental exhaustion. It's getting pretty boring that the younger year seem to have stepped out of fashion week and into college in a bid to wow their a-level peers with their gift for garments when in reality it's like stepping into topshop and h&m and being harrassed by the mannequins. Some people should also learn that neon tights look good if you have matchstick legs. If not you just look like a tree thats come back from a rave.
Dire, i'm suffocating in NME mingers.

Next Step'tember

I've had the most insane week, I never realised September could be so happenin'. College was extremely dire as to be expected, there is an abundance of work, year 12 students, summer tummies and generally shit people that there was an abundance of last year. It was so boring i could have cried tears of sleep. College also never brings good news, we no longer have a lunch period specifically and my dutch exchange trip has been cancelled. I'm quite disappointed about the fact i will no longer get to sleep in a house that smells of whatever dutch houses smell of and wander around the red light district like an enthralled tourist. I'll also miss the opportunity to verbally abuse foreign people as well as idiots from my own country in the world debates we were going to partake in... sigh.

On a higher note, literally, i will be doing a parachute jump in october for charity. I'm thinking either breast cancer or the 'whizz kids' charity but remain undecided and need verification. I think people who think i'm doing a great thing should donate some of the £350 required and people who want to see me break my neck when it all goes wrong donate too, i mean you never know? You can hope desperately? I know i've got a few of you followers in all your spite.

I'm giving up chocolate and sweets until the end of October, so if i'm cranky, skinnier and full of angst; things are slightly looking up. My love sickness will suffice, it's bliss.

Apathy Animus

I need serious help for my addiction to gameboy and talk shows. It is the apotheosis in the procrastination of my college work; which i'll later regret because i don't think a drug addict, failure father or crazy grandmother will be any explanation as to why my work remains uncompleted. I seriously can't help myself. I'd rather watch Sally Jesse Raphael of all things then read about the sick people who think it's morally ok to deny the holocaust.

I'm failing to accept that college begins again thursday. I abjure to having to face another year being civil to people who i don't like and having to explain to every single stereotype of a student that no, i don't drink and no, i don't smoke weed. No, i don't want to come to the pub at lunch time for a pint with you, i think i'd rather eat my lunch off the toilet bowl. I don't belong here a single bit, i feel like a blind man at the movies, complete waste of time.

I love being caught in this limbo of being in love, seeing my friends and not doing a lot with my time. I think i just need to get the three more gym badges on Pokemon Crystal and i'll finally accept that i am no longer on a college hiatus. Sigh.