Sweats and Threats.

I had a 2 hour football work out session this morning and i'm exhausted. But i am determined determined determined to reach that top shape and be content with looking in the mirror every morning. Finding the motivation to exercise proves so much easier than picking up my Holocaust books or typing my personal statement. I think i'm finally done being angsty and angry all the time. My back started to ache from being hunched over in 'pissed-off' status all the time. Everything i do from this point will be so worth it if it means i'm one step closer to him and one step further away from you. I'm done weighing up my past actions against other people's who claim to be saints. I know everyone for what they are and i love who i have in my life irregardless of what they aren't.

Current loves;
The Get-Up Kids
smiling because of him
laughing because of my friends
gameboy
early nights and lay-ins avec music
life sans MSN
yoga, yoga, yoga
summer fruit
california countdown

current hates;
Only being deprived of what i love

Motivation Please Apply Here.

I need need need to at least find some direction for my Holocaust project but so far have made notes, written a letter and wanted to die on the inside. I have more chance lifting the Statue of Liberty off the ground than I do my excuse for a project. It doesn't help that the whole thing isn't college-compulsory, because i feel like I'm doing them a favour doing it it's hard feeling like i'll be doing ME a favour doing it. Urrrrggggh someone put me in hospital with two broken hands or something so i have SOME excuse (even if it's just for myself) as to why I'm not doing it.

I'm going to at least try rent more books out of the library this afternoon. It's definately obvious that the Government are somewhat lacking in their library funds and then wonder why half the Country is illiterate..hmmm. They didn't have any of the five books I asked for and went as far to accuse me of already having 15 books at home. I hate to break it to you Norfolk library, but it doesn't seem your shelves possess 15 books i'd want to rent out. And then i wonder why i haven't got the drive to complete my project. Well I don't wonder, i know, i'd rather spend the time watching films and playing gameboy whilst listening to Have Heart or something. Dire.

At least I have something to look forward to, 59days.

'a garden of potential, submerged in the rain'.

E-Tickets and Early Rises

I haven't got up late one day this week, and i honestly feel better for it. I've bust my ass everyday doing something or another. And I don't miss having nothing to do a single bit. The fact my beau lives 5500 miles away is a big enough reminder that time is precious until you have it completely to your disposal. I don't want ever want mine to be wasteable. It's once you cross the lazy-days threshold that going back is about as favourable as having a bird shit on you; it stinks and is nothing but effort. Hence why the dole is normally for life, as is my crazy hate for it(and my penchant for mentioning it TOO often).

I've ordered my plane tickets for October and i finally feel like i can be happy about being here asides Clare and Franki again. It has purpose, to put money in the bank and aid me in succeeding in life. College isn't so bad when i think about it, it's just a shame i don't get to go on my own. I have a ton of things to be getting on with, and I'm disappointed that i've been getting slack with my posts, but I'm about 60% sure that the majority of people who read this blog do so for their own negative gratification. They're looking for jokes to make at my expense, and gossip to talk about with other people as pathetic because it beats having to evaluate and thus become discontent with themselves. Satisfying.

I love my life.
'We few, we happy few, we band of brothers'.

This Is What Living Like This Does

My mum had the talk with me today, the long-awaited 'what are you doing with your life' discussion that only results in you finding yourself defending everything you've ever believed in, but consequently you too re-evaluate everything you've done with yourself for the past couple years. Even further consequently you kick yourself for every 'mistake' you've ever made. It really made me think about freedom; i elude it from every pore, yet the only person who confines me is myself.

I've done a lot of things i've regreted, i hate myself for some of the time i've wasted with people who flake out and reinvent themselves into the epitome of everything i never wanted to be. But at the the same time, i've always done everything i've ever wanted, and never failed anything i strived to achieve. It really is true that the only person who holds you back from succeeding is yourself. The desperate dole citizens of this country who moan about not having the money to do as they choose are clear evidence of this.

I'm getting retainers to wear at night today; alas whilst i've spent the afternoon reassessing my youth i will shortly be reliving it every night for the rest of my life. I haven't put anything that metallic in my mouth since braces at 13. It's pathetic that i'm excited. My mum also asked me if i had 'bollocks' hanging from my ears today, no Mum they're cherry-shaped earrings. But thankyou for further establishing how little you like the life i lead right now. Hilarious.

'I got it bad, i got it bad, i got it bad, i got it bad, i've got it bad.'

Finding Faith

Before the hardcore zelot in you screams your holy mary's no i have not found Jesus Christ, Allah or Jehovah. But since re-arranging my room last week i have,noteably, re-arranged my life further than i could have imagined. I know who, and what i want. I got my A-level results and i was pleased. Very pleased. And yeah, if you're a cock to me i will rub it in your face so leave me alone. I'm fully enjoying being a recluse asides the special people i text/email and the people i make time to see. Making plans that don't involve 99% of you is very exciting and exhilerating, i'm whole heartedly embracing the fact that people = shit. (god bless the philosophers in Slipknot).

Currently laying on my bed listening to TBS and contemplating, I am going to do yoga once i've finished talking about myself and intend on getting up early to go for a morning run. That time of day where mist still hangs in the air and just breathing outside makes you shiver. Like i said, fresh start. Which for me is going to involve working a little bit. I have yet to start my extended project (fuck) but I could have bigger things to worry about, like a £240 phone bill (oh shit clare i'm so sorry).

I've had a good week, i'm full of hope; someone press a flannel to my head and check i haven't got a fever. I've just found faith not only in myself, but in letting go. I sound like an arsehole and it's because right now i am, i denied your plans because i've denied you. If this what it feels like to have faith, consider me saved.


'I'll make damn sure, that you can't ever leave, no you won't ever get too far from me you won't.'

Apathy in the UK.

Another day i failed to accomplish anything particularly other than the creation of some invites for my brother's birthday party. I don't care though. I wanted to generally de-clutter my life but have only so far managed to clutter the bin with food wrappers and drinks bottles. I've only really got excited over the fact my dad bought me some Krusha and that i had plenty of mail from my one and only to give me a reason to sign on this morning,(in reality was the afternoon, mmm lay-in).

I can't help but listen to the same songs, wear the same things and survive for the intent of fully living when the time comes. Right now it's the case of getting things done and not letting kids with angst and a hard-on for the interweb try verbally abuse me over msn for something that i frankly again don't care about. Aren't i just another shitty little kid from the UK who doesn't give a fuck about anything? Wrong. I just don't give a fuck about you and/or what you have to say about me. I care about the people I'VE decided I want to remain friends with, college, my health and predominantly (for good reasons) how much money i'm making. Aren't i shallow? Pathetic? Harsh? No i'm just realistic and have some respect, actually.

There is a lot of euphoria in the media at the moment over possible sightings of Madeline McCann, all these people claiming to have seen her, yet sat by and let her disappear again. If you think i'm a nasty person, what about these people? One minute the media is convinced she has been taken by a paedo ring, the next she is in Greece, Holland, the ground. Anything to fill the pages, suprisingly the World keeps turning.

'When you no longer have anyone to hate you hate yourself' - not going to happen.

Old Wives' Tales.

They say you become wise with age. I haven't heard anything on such a grand scale of bollocks since they said they were fighting the war in Iraq for the good of the allied persons. I can think of too many instances where the given 'fact' is untrue. Today at work a customer, who was not only male (yes take note) and old but he asked about why the nectarines had little marks on them. They're branch marks, because suprisingly, and unfortunately, nectarines grow off branches. Also you'd think some people at the age of 20 would grow out of going out of their way to mock people almost 7 years their junior. Nope it seems some still have the audacity, and complete lack of self-confidence to resort to picking on people who are actually quite nice, for their own gratification.

I do hope when i reach 22, and have a boyfriend that i don't need to pick on girls i pretend to be friends with to feel good about myself. Hilarious.

Work made me ratty, not even icecream, a cream dohnut and a burger filled the gap. Maybe my bed will. Moulin Rouge just made me a teary wreck. Bring back my glorious 2 weeks, of beach walks, movies, eating out past 11pm and laying in bed enjoying time, irregardless of it running out.
'You were there, and i was with you, longing for you'.

Coma Update.

Current mood; unsocial
Current personal wellbeing; blocked up nose, aching legs, tired eyes
Currently reading; 'silent scream' by Josh Cannon
Currently thinking; why can't I be in California?

Work today was bareable, however i drank three cans of soda and i'm contemplative as to what effect this is going to have on me, especially as i am currently drinking from the fourth. I think i have a post-America addiction to drinking soda everyday being morally (or personally) ok. I then got home, had approximately an hour to shower and recouperate from being up since 4am and i played football. Not so bareable.

Now i'm sulking and want to be sociable with the one person i can't be with right now. I'm tugging on my own heartstrings. Day to day is leaving me grey.

I'm glad i got to wear shorts out this afternoon. I also never knew there were so many ways to kill yourself. I guess i learnt today about auto-decapitation. I think from this evening onwards i'm going to be wary of anyone tying their shoe on the edge of the pavement. Maybe i should carry some 'don't do it' pamplets for safe measures. Maybe i should stop thinking about this when in reality i don't care all that much.
Maybe i should just go to sleep.

It Can't Rain All The Time

I tend to find post-california life one big joke. Not only have i got a cold and sore throat but it's raining more than before i left and a balaclava-clad thug tried to rob my house last night - the sheer irony being that i was stranded in crime-strewn Peterborough at the time.

The matter of fact is NO-ONE tries to break into people's houses around here. Not only is Dereham horrifically confined, but everyone knows everyone to an extent that the proposed thief's mother probably buys her groceries off my parents. I currently feel further stranded in some poorly-concieved sitcom where burglars actually wear balaclavas and dress in black, avidly waiting in the hedgerow for my mother to leave to pick up her daughter who has had a mini adventure of her own during the course of the day; this ill-assembled blog the moral highground of today's episode and the character-consumer speech to make respective viewers out there consider the safety of their home and to be aware of when the last bus leaves so mummy doesn't have to come and rescue you at 11pm.

I'm money-pent and labour-addicted, worked today and work tomorrow. This is all i want to do with my time. I have plans to save up for that don't involve any of you.

Rest-less.

I've never fully understood 'jet-lag' but i think sleeping from 5.30pm-8.30pm and then 11.30pm-4pm constitutes as my time-concept being potentially fucked. I am still so tired. It's 6pm and i want to sleep forever.

Being home has so far resulted in me failing to get dressed, being constantly reminded that in 3 weeks i didn't get a tan and just missing someone so bad its like a dull ache. I temporarily enjoy day-time tv, eating unnecessarily and absorbing as much literature as my over-dosed-on-sleep eyes can handle. I'll get back on track when time starts running out and i actually start caring about things again.

Work yesterday was the epitome of horrific. I, within the space of 12 hours, decided i have a phobia of getting soaked in the rain, and should never try to be a nice person with less than 3 hours of sleep. I again ate too much unnessarily and will probably once reality has kicked in return to my yoga complex and enough aerobics to cure obese-britain.
Welcome home.

Life, On Repeat.

I always find when something gets repeated at random several times within a short period of my life that i truely question the means of 'coincidence' and 'fate'. Currently, 'Lewd Acts' has cropped up so many times within reading and coversation as of late when previously never before that i can only question why? I also question why i even worry about this little state of affairs. Probably because day to day at home my life is so repetitional that mind-boggling thought processes are the only way to make each day different, or meaningful.

Which brings me on to my main decision today (i have a main decision for everyday) that the best thought processes occur whilst pre-sleep. its the interperiod of getting into bed and drifting off where my greatest epiphanies (or conclusions about anything) occur. For a while i got into a habit of turning on the lamp and writing them down. Now i just lay there and hope my mind will be as active in the morning when i can be bothered to actually sit up and come to terms with the fact i'm still in that bed, in that room, predominantly on my own.

Ever ached for something so bad it simmers in the bottom of your stomach?
I completed my to-do list from yesterday within today's 24hour time span.
But i wore pink.