Accoustic Sunday

it's deliciously comic and almost 'My Family'-esque that my Dad was bought an Ipod for his birthday to use on his extremely extensive runs he seems to disappear on daily. Upon the elder generation (well most of them) being technologically-retarded, i've been helping him with it this afternoon post-football and I've found the Live Lounge CDs to be a severely incredible listen. My favourite tracks have been Umbrella covered by Biffy Clyro and The Scientist covered by Avril Lavigne and it puts you in that ambient, emotional state of mind where you question the significance/meaning of everything including every relationship you've ever had and why your dog looks at you in that way when you wake up of a morning.

The weekend has been tiring, i've wrestled with my bed frame, every OAP in existance at work, a copious amount of Tort-Law flash cards and 11 masculine females on a football pitch today. We won 4-2 but again i've destroyed my 'hot-pins' image by scraping one knee to the extent that it looks like a half-peeled potato. I don't have to pretend i'm some appearance-goddess because i sooner wander out of my house in sweatpants and an over-sized hoody than Vogue or Cosmopolitans 'Just in!' look.

I'm still living this fantasy of never going back to college, sigh.

'Look at the stars, look how they shine for you, and everything you do, and they were all yellow.
I came along, i wrote a song for you, and all the things you do, and it was called 'Yellow'.
So then i took my turn, oh what a thing to have done, and it was all yellow.

Your skin, oh yeah your skin and bones, turn into something beautiful.
And you know, you know i love you so, you know i love you so.'

Gloom and how it gets that way.

I haven't felt so removed from liberation or energy in my whole life than i have the past 48 hours. I can't even begin to explain how ultimately dire, or shit it has been and that contemplating suicide, or maybe genocide couldn't be more plausible.

I've managed to lose money, petrol, a newly-bought 12mm plug, any free time i could possibly possess in spring break, and any sense of feeling in my body that isn't aches and pains. Having to work two days unexpected and then being told i can't do what i want to do with remaining free time this week has not only resulted in me feeling desperately sorry for myself, but i just ate enough chocolate to kill a dog and am in my pj's at 5.45 (and have been since about 5.15..).

I think partially i make things so difficult on myself but seeing as having to keep an eye on a 12year old brat has induced me under house arrest for the next 48hours i am sure i have enough time to mull over why i am so 'difficult' and catch up on sleep/sims life.

What could possibly go right? I sat on the shower floor and cried this afternoon.

Rediscovering Addiction

An old love has once again between requited. I've avoided playing the Sims 2 for this very reason, i've played it religiously for the past two days. As much as its a boredom killer i need cultural help. I'm more obsessed in striving to better the lives of Bob and Betty Newbie than i am to better my own. All i need is a through-the-nose laugh and a biro in my shirt pocket and i'll fully achieve dork status.

However i was ultimate retail goddess today regardless of the snow and managed to accumulate the following purchases
1 riverisland vest
1 riverisland shirt
1 pair of jeans
1 pair of shorts
2 lingerie sets
1 pair of rocketdog pumps
Its quite pathetic how my appearance fleets from almost-feminine to 'junk-food' kid.
Being on spring break from college is absolutely glorious.
Not having the money to afford a decent amount of petrol, however, is not.

'carpe diem'

5pm Fatigue

19 Hours into Facebook-usage and it's already more than bareable, getting to grips with it has proved easier than i thought and further expection has concluded that yes, you can give 'gifts'. You can also leave messages on 'walls' and par-take in various actions when making 'contact' with other friends that include 'vampire bites' 'kinky pokes' and general 'waves' and 'kisses'.
Damn its 5.58pm on a Saturday and work has given me nothing better to do than assess how overbearing my internet 'life' is in comparison with the physical.

I experianced an expansive range of weather-types at work today that included snow, sleet, rain, hail and gale-force winds. I managed to obtain a North Face jacket and scarf however and quite suprisingly remained sickeningly cheerful.
In PJS already at 6pm, i have contemplated napping but am currently consumed with Toy Story 2. I'm old enough to explore pretentious diction but not surpass Disney films it seems. No shame.

If i get hiccups one more time today I'm going to kill myself.

Friday Night Project

Out of sheer boredom i created a Facebook account, and quite pathetically i'll admit it's to lurk. Its man's nature to be inquisitive so i'm only doing what i was designed to do. I have work tomorrow which pains me but i need the money more than Paris Hilton needs something to actually be famous for other than having a rich daddy and home-made porn.

The thing i find myself procrastinating from the most is to scrutinise my hermit-status of avoiding social interaction on 'hot' nights friday and saturday. I just don't see anything particularly elusive in indulging myself in binge drinking and losing my knickers/purse/one stilletto in a 'night on the tiles' frenzy. I do intend to make plans for these nights inthe future when i have some sort of valuable income and like-minded counterparts. I also have to be up for work at 3.30am which definately constitutes some heavy raving as out of the question. How tragic..

The home comforts of my bed sheets and good tv are just too appealing.
I <3 birthdaycake.

'i can't waste my time without wasting all your time'.

Small Man Syndrome

Initially i apologise for my web-diary neglect. I've been a busy girl.. well as far as 50th birthday parties, extortionate half-fests and college goes. With only two days before Easter break i'm literally crawling at the walls, college-resent is more apparent with this being the 5th consecutive day i've failed to turn up on time. I wish i felt remorse for this. I don't.

I don't know whether its me becoming increasingly bitter but i am able to criticise too much at the moment and i'm beginning to sound like my mother. People i love are being hypocrites or hypochondriacs and a Law video i am supposed to take into serious consideration can't even spell their title 'just deserts' correctly. Help?
I also just ate a chocolate cornflake easter cake that has essentially made me want to vomit.

In highlight of my weekend, i deliciously enjoyed 'mum-dancing' to the likes of the Time Warp and 'Shake your tailfeather' by the Blue's Brothers at the birthday shindig but did not enjoy the raging testosterone amongst the vertically challanged on Sunday. There's enjoying the band and generally being a pest. Aside your 'don't stand in the pit if you don't want to get hit' bullshit i don't appriciate being punched in the head when i'm 6 rows back OR a small red scottish 'fella' sloppy moshing me when there isn't particularly any music playing.
Bringing 7 Austrians back to my house was also pretty interesting.

I now regret leaving it so long to leave a post. It now seems apparent that i like the sound of my own thoughts, i don't.

'What goes around always comes around'.

is Myspace old news?

As an original underage myspace bandit who faked her date of birth to even get a page in the first place, it seems i am on the horizon of myspace being a degenerate of the interweb- friend sites. More frequently than not i'm goaded into establishing my own 'Facebook' page; but is this site really the way forward?
Stories and gossip are dispersed far and wide of all the things this bountiful new meeting site has to offer, but is it really a good idea for me to find another electronical diversion that will suck out my soul and leave me vulnerable to the neglection of friends, boyfriend, collegework and yes, the family dog.

For those also not on FaceBook, there's this whole weird list of things you can give people as "gifts." But from what I can tell, they're just pictures. And I think you have to pay for them, right? Sorry but i think I will desperately cling to my soft Myspace of HTML coding and 'messages, comments and friend requests'. Having less to make me procrastinate also means my time put aside to 'work out' is maintained and my trim summer bikini tum will as far as possible, remain in tact.

Please bring Easter break before college work and people's confusing plans for a week i haven't even broken into yet make me slam my head in the cardoor. Actually i'd take sleeping pills to kill myself, easier way out.

Deception's a funny thing.

I don't think (again with what i think but don't stop reading) that anyone has ever told a white lie without the intention of a black heart. Don't sell me your bullshit of doing it to protect someone's feelings because you're only saving your own ass from YOU having to be the one to ruin their day/life - obviously pending on the severity of the truth.

What I don't get, is unnecessary falsification. Aside lying to avoid confrontation or hassle why not just tell the truth so everyone knows where they stand. I mean it when i say i wont be pouring my heart out because there is more chance of Peter Pan growing up than there is of me name-dropping in a blog but come on! Christ, if you want to flounce about for guys, or popularity or just so people like you don't pull the 'penniless' shit on me because my boredom investigations of today have none other than proved you wrong. I like proving people wrong.

Anyways conclusion is people who pretend to be socially concious = shit, i have eaten way too many mickey-shaped waffles and haven't got no where near enough work done. I will be an anti-socialite if that means maintaining A-grades, sorry (or not so sorry) if that reflects poorly on you.

I haven't told a single lie today yet, difference being when i tell them i don't decieve myself that i'm not at least partially doing it for myself. Isn't it tragic how we all look out for number 1, or just fucking common sense?

Envy-associated inquisition

I don't think anyone could be more impertinent (or in larger self denial) to claim jealousy isn't occasionally one of life's more hard-to-deal-with hinderances. I always find myself wishing/wanting/desiring what others have that i don't. Beyond the general self-hatred/transferred hatred that affiliates itself with envy, i see it as a means of self-progression and acceptance and a general strive to better our own being or even get what we want.
In lame-mans terms i want more money and more knowledge. Not as fickle as the tendancy for nicer hair I often crave or longer legs; its considerably attainable and something i'll have to sacrifice possibly my social life for in order to accumulate. Yeah..like this is going to happen.

Past self criticism and exploration, I gave my first Auschwitz lesson today and couldn't have sounded more like an asshole. I wanted to finish my talk with something deeply reverent or insightful but logged off with mumblings of the British Government trying to cover their arse, some drivel about the war in Iraq and an ode to people dying. Attach the label of 'poet' to my name now before i tortured-artist-style kill myself.
Or at least recognise me for my achievements, irrespective of my mistakes.

International women's day

There should be no other day than today where i feel liberated. Not only is it international women's day but i can put a glorious middle finger up to all those from college who opposed my failure to turn up to a consistent amount of lessons and warned me of disappointing exam results. I got an exhilerating AAA and wont let it rest until every son of a bitch who had a dig at me in the past six months is aware of what I achieved, and what they probably didn't.

Pretentious right? I DO feel holier than thou, it is the one day my power is recognised not through my intellect or strength but through my possession of a vagina. I went to Parliament today and sat in on the Women and Girls debate. Not only was Margaret Thatcher publically slated by fellow female but women's positioning in politics was further established. I can think of a few individuals who need a good kick in the crotch by their bra-wearing neighbours, one of whom witnessed the whole debate (and Conservative's ass-whooping) and non-suprisingly (and quite to my satisfaction) didn't exult in feminist glee like i was.

On other news chicken pie rules and stiff neck drools.
If i remain on this high any longer you might as well say I'm stoned.

'Forgive and Forget,
What ever was said,
All good things, have endings..'

My Christian name is Desire.

I find myself forever questioning where time disappears to in some situations, or what it clings to in others. I'm either counting the minutes or wishing them away. We either want to forever relish what we have today or desperately reach for what we think we'll have tomorrow.
'Today' and 'Tomorrow' are both exponential, simply nouns which can harbour a variation in meaning. Don't search for some composition of meaning because you search to discover, and i'm not open for exploration.

7 different deposits of work have made me irritable, a depleating laptop life again makes me irritable. I let my sister convince me to eat one of those microwave roast dinners. Which, note, had the consistency and smell of an aeroplane meal. Still feeling hungry makes me irritable.
In short, mood; irritable.

I have found a new society at college to blog-slate. I call them them the pre-menopause WI, they gather in the library (granted often where i am trying to 'work') and fuss like post-pensioners over tuperwear about absolutely everything. One of them, quite tragically, cut her finger today while she was flapping her hands about something else. If they coo over another picture of a kitten or puppy in my presence i'll track it down, mangle it and pop it in their matching handbags for their next lunchbreak discussion.

I adore the new oreo advert, oreos are good eats, unlike 7min chicken dinner.
SOS. save our sanity.

Another Day Another British Pound

Today is day 1 of the 'save some funds' mission for the summer, no funds means no fun so consider me on a leash economically until further notice.
I start my Auschwitz teaching this week, and haven't even got my photos back from being developed yet. Which is a good start. But i have a nice meeting with an old man about his experiance so its not the end of the world. (horrific pun generally not intended, but disturbingly witty).

I never did elaborate on my journey to Poland, probably because outside of the classroom i don't particularly want to. Its something that should be recognised not sensationalised and as corny as it sounds its something even i will feel guilty about for the rest of my life.

On the college development there is none, i still hate it, its full of retards and i generally think it is making me devoid of all compassion and patience for fellow man, i get my winter exam results this week, whoopa?

Sonic classics rules my life.

'Coz there's some extra space, on your floor, next to your bed,
and if you let me say so, i'll be there.
'Coz in the nighttime when you're sleeping,
I'll be there to say,
That i love you, and i loved you anyway.'