Bin collection on a Thursday.

It's official; i am definately killing myself before i reach OAP-status.
Walking to college today; i looked on as a group of men emptied the bins that are left out for collection and watched on as every single OAP possible that appeared to live on this road rushed out the minute their's had been emptied to bring it in.
It appears hitting old age renders you so unfufilled that Thursday is a great day of the week. You get up to bring the bin in. Wait all week to surface and race to get your bin inside first.

I'd rather work into an early grave than get my kicks out of saving coppers and playing vigilante at my living room window.

My driving instructor sounds just like Noel Edmunds.
My luck has also frozen officially.
Ill, crippled alone and currently recovering from a panic attack brought on by my arachnaphobia. Maybe i should embrace suicide a bit earlier than expected in my pre-oap stretch.. or just piss and moan until everyone has heard about it.
Jeremy Beadle why did you have to die?

'I've made this bed now i can't fall asleep in it'

4lbs over budget.

Gaining weight is like teenage pregnancy, it's not right but it just happens.
It especially 'just happens' when football is cancelled for 5 consecutive weeks and you've managed to consume 3 boxes of japanese sweets.
So i intend to run off my orriental extras in a 4miler tonight. I enjoy it though so jokes on you fatty.

Managed to have a sour luck day, old shoes rubbing my feet, dropping my ipod, neglecting to have the ability to text and walk, hour-long assessment last period, testosterone fuelled debate club. kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself.

Also decided i need to compile a photo-memoire of outfits students ACTUALLY wear to college, and before you try to ram your keyboard down my throat again myspace message-junkie it's comical and harmless. There is a difference between shallowness and general shit-dress sense; oh indie-rights activist.

I hate college, i think it's safe to say i'm bored of being clever/giving a fuck about my future and want to possibly take up that unwanted teen pregnancy for a shiny council flat and all the benefits i everrr dreamed of.

'You are not your problems,
you are not your age,
you are not your hopes,
you will not be saved.
We're all going to die someday.'

Bank Card = Bad Call

I have spent so much dollar this weekend just gone it's unreal. It's been an experiance though and aside some shit stuff it was awesome. Feedback on Birmingham is i don't like it, no offence to any Birminghamites haha. Leeds was quite nice except the travelodge had no condiments or a hair dryer, and washing my hair with showergel resulted in me not getting a brush through it.

having a weekend to do what i want and just chill has resulted in college being more of a shitfest. I can't wait to travel some more.
being in a van for 10+ hours resulted in me deciding to compile a list of words i don't like;
cemetary, ponder, emancipated, obligitory.
there are more haha. I need a new lease of life.

'I should have known you were one of the wolves at my door'

Enduring Love

I've read this book through three times now..
I've also managed to throw out my best jeans, spill toothpaste down my shirt and kill my ipod battery.

Joe's obsessions and failure to be the rationalist he claims to be more than anything makes me consider that when we're pushing something away, or losing something do we realise it? Do we register what we're doing or infact by subconcious want it that way?

We're born alone, we die alone and maybe that's God's way of saying look what happened to Adam and Eve and use the brain i gave you, shit screwed up with them and it will with you. If you believe in that.

As an atheist i'n not even sure i believe in fate, all i know is i am lucky for what i've got even if i throw it out like my jeans, spill it like toothpaste or let it die like an uncharged battery. I am so so lucky.

I have a full day and intend to run 4 miles later, i'll probably watch what comes out of my mouth from now on because i have a penchant for people wanting to sock me in it. Or maybe not.

'so you wanted a solution?
you just wanted to be missed.
call me a safe bet, i'm betting i'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive,
only hoping as time goes, you can forget.'

No bed before 1am

Failure to force myself into bed before 1am must be some sort of 'hitting bottom' for me because i suffer tiredness the next day yet insist on sleeping no earlier than 12.30am.
It leaves me in this haphazard state of mind where anything that comes out of my mouth is valued; but not well considered.
I make it through each day none the less and proceed to nap/be vegetated in the evenings.

I am going to Leeds this weekend. I've never been to Leeds.
I am then going on to Birmingham. I have never been to Birmingham.
Should be interesting, oh and FYI i won't kick off, i'm quite nice, really.
If some what bitter/short-fused.

Two words; cruel intentions.
'Is it worth it can you even hear me?
Standing with your spotlight on me.
Not enough to feed the hungry.
I'm tired and i've felt this for a while now.
In this sea of lonely, the taste of ink is getting old,
It's, four o'clock in the fucking morning
and each day gets more and more like the last day'.

Falling in and falling out.

I spent all day windswept, wet and tired. I managed to break my driving instructor's car and almost pass out in the bath. I'm quite the aged nerd, i just sit in the bath with the window open so there's a breeze on my shoulders and read.
Fight club is an incredible book,
other books on my wishlist include;
1)jenna jamieson's biography (say what you will)
2) the beach
3)time to talk about freddy
4)suvivor

I have work i should be doing but in accordance with the past 3 months or so i can't help but procrastinate. I'll sit, straighten my hair because the wind full on raped it, watch the simpsons and try to beat my record of 64secs on solitaire.
Also reply to any texts given, gratefully.

I hate my internet more than self-concious boredom-killers who insist on assuming they know everything about me.


'The irony is that you totally suck,
you can look down on me and i don't give a fuck.
because i hate assholes who hide behind fashion,
who live life devoid of emotion or passion.
All style no substance, you're flesh without bone,
another foot soldier in an army of clones'

A moment of perfection.

All that counts for this Saturday night is this very moment.
I can smell only vanilla scent and the faint tropical-notion of my shampoo.
I'm sat with a towel around my midriff, post cold shower, letting my skin dry naturally because it always feels smoother that way.Listening to saves the day,and thinking of you...

Being blonde and the madness associated.

On impulse last night i had lots of blonde added to my hair and amidst the compliments i feel slightly disconnected from my old self with just coffee-brown and just refreshed, like a webpage where only the slightest thing changes upon doing so but it's still significant to you.
As 'deep' and somewhat art-fag that sounds it's true, i don't know whether i like this new blonde, i don't think so. Although apparently it makes me look older. Score?

Today was stressful, the walk to college epic and the journey home extensive. I would have liked to go see Avenged Sevenfold tonight (jibe all you will bastards) but i have work tomorrow and it was sold out. I don't like Friday nights in much unless it's with the right person/people.

English-class pyscho-analysis today discovered i'm threatened by my own mother and take kindly to stranger's affection, period 4 on a friday is clearly not a time for a class room (well 9) hormone-raging students to assess one another and interpret issues of stalking and having a fascination with road kill.


'I'll stop the world and melt with you
You've seen the difference and it's getting better all the time
There's nothing you and I won't do'

luck, your 5 minutes are up.

Here are 4 reasons why i am currently devastated.
Sum 41 at UEA - sold out
Coheed and Cambria at UEA - Sold out
MXPX play waterfront - day i go to NY
Reelbig Fish At the Waterfont - sold out

I'll be going to see anti-flag but missing four great bands in balance just doesn't compare. Once more i've been failed by the disaster area known as Norfolk and furthermore feel increasingly suffocated.

Not even a reverent sigh constitutes how disappointed i am.
I also just managed to bite the nail on my right index finger to the extent that it's bleeding everywhere. I wish i had something to do other than prepare a debate on the US presidential system and curse over sold-out postings listed on the internet.

It's a mix of overcast skies and showers once more and it's not comforting today it's further disappointment. I'm having my hair cut later and considering today's luck she'll probably lop an ear off or something; i'd feel even more the tortured artist; more Van Gogh as opposed to newspaper cartoonist. haha.

currently i'm so boring it hurts.

'I honestly hate the average man, his life is shit to me
Walking in line with everyone else, something not for me'

sweetheart you sound like the singer from Slade.

Today at college is one of those days i enjoy. I dont particularly have to work very hard and can spend my lunch in the library making rude gestures and laughing at how the college director has the most comical voice period.
Imagine a balding 40-something with the voice of one hit wonder group slade and one of Doctor Who's daleks. Madness.

I have little plans for later on, i'll leave at 2.30 to go home and work, which will actually involve watching fight club for the 7th time. Xbox 360 and guitar hero 3 later followed by dinner and my persistance to stay up past midnight neglecting my new year's resolution to spend less time online.

I never did write you a brief list of my intentions for this year.
1)travel
2)spend more time with girlfriends
3)write some form of diary (yes this blog counts)
4) manage my time better
5)get better sleep

i have more probably.
I am also going to get more hours at work, i need money, and the new peep show series on dvd haha.

It's become more apparent as of recent that i find comfort in the most simple of things; rythms of feet or pens tapping, the low hum of the tv as i sleep, writing into the condensation when in the shower, one line texts and random calls.
2008 should rule.

'So everybody put your best suit or dress on,
lets make-believe that we are wealthy for just this once.
lighting firecrackers out on the front lawn,
as thirty dialogues bleed into one.
i wish the world was flat like the old days,
and we could travel just by unfolding a map.
There'd be no airplanes or speedtrains or freeways,
there'd be no distance that could hold us back.'

Cruel Intentions.

I hate feeling completely out of control, and right now i kinda do.
You're being pretty hypocritical and you know who you are, it makes me jealous but the fact you're a hypocrite is much worse.

I watched Cruel Intentions last night and it's scary how much i can relate to it. I guess sometimes i'd be better off on my own, i wouldn't then be associated with the drama that seems to follow me like a shadow.
Wanting what i can't have and having things expected of me.
I am still soooo tired.

No more exams though which can only be a good thing, i have little plans today; probably just to catch up on work/sleep and train at football for a couple hours.
I intended to take my driving test today but that got cancelled, go figure.
I miss you..
'All the things I remember
Were they worth writing down
Bury me in memories of CK1 and tight white T's
Like air guitar in muscle cars with "perfect teeth"
The way we are'

I'm cultured,I listen to the klaxons..

Simple NME, what the fuck?
It's the only music magazine college prescribes to, period.
It's like a hormone pool of 'cultured' indie/nu rave/alternative(?) teens who wear shorts up to their chest, jeans more floresant than a road beacon and hair more messy than your house after Skins have crashed it.

If i didn't crave achievement so much then please would someone kill me.
My lack of patience for that shit excuse of free-time reading not only derives from the full trend throttle this klaxons/tight white jeans bullshit that seems to have gripped the nation but the fact i am fucking tired.
Since when have i been unable to sleep until 3am.
I love my bed,irrespective of what i do in it.
I'm fully addicted to this current state of mind.
I wish i minded more.

But my 1pm law exam has left me in a current state of mind vegetation and brain ache, home to complete more work i've failed to due on time at 3.30.


Sore back! Sore feet!
A ragtag army and we're sick in the heat.
We're not pretty and we're not rich.
We're gonna hafta fucking work for it.
It's our life! We do what we choose!
Black Jeans.Black Shirt.Black Shoes.
Mum and Dad still don't approve.

Failing to count my calories.

I've had a lazy weekend of sorts but it's been nice.
Learning Law citation for my exam, overeating and failing to desert the TV was nothing but rewarding. I managed to afford new Nikes and a new shirt when i'm saving up but the guilt hasn't hit me yet.
Also if one more of my football matches gets pulled i'm breaking another leg.(in joke.)

I have a ton of work to do now and it feels nice that i'll get around to it.
I NEED NEED NEED to see my girls more and i will, I think 2008 is gonna be about building amazing friendships i already have as opposed to making new ones.

I also learnt this weekend i am going to Aushwitz then helping out in a seminar, being a World War buff has really paid off, experiance of a lifetime. The only downside to knowing so much about it is having to teach a class full of kids when i get home.
february is going to rule!
But not as much as the summer..

'you're the only one for me,
i told you already'.

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus.

I had my first exam today and in consideration of my lack of sleep (thus an exhaustion headache) i think i did alright. I said my alleujahs when i got two questions i could answer and whoooped when the hour was up.


Conversations/occurances of today have made me realise fate really is one hell of a noose around my neck and i am gonna have to fight to stop it suffocating me.


I know what i want, precisely. And i crave it.


Off subject i found the most fantastic photo i took of my dinner the other day.

Sorry mum, but your mash potato sucked that day.
Tonight i just want to lay in my bed and reflect, but i have too much on tomorrow that i can't even begin to think of stuff already gone. Even as i write this i am digressing from things i should be doing.

For anyone who cares Verse ruled last night, lauren and clare will both agree that there were some interesting people there. verse continue to amaze me. My failure to sleep afterwards also amazed me, i was beat.

'Our love is all that we ever had
Our love is all that we'll ever have
Boys and girls, guys and dolls
You were finding faith in bathroom stalls
and broken beds, spring fractured spines
Fall for the right kids at all the wrong times..'

Sleep Deprivation

I am going to try my best to be consistent in writing these blogs; today i am so tired.
It's one of those days where when anyone talks to me the intial process is actually acknowledging i am even being spoken to and then somehow, quite painfully, thinking of something with substance to say back without sounding completely off it/high on something.
I just had one of those nights where i slept heavily but not much. But it's not something i'm now going to lose sleep over.. haha.
I wouldn't say it was quite insomnia; i'm not a hypochondriac but i am SO tired.

I should be going to see Verse later; playing on the bus being on time into Norwich and Mike having the patience to wait the extra 15 minutes if it isn't. I thoroughly resent Norfolk and all it's mindless senseless living dead for postponing my own test. The day i pass my test is the day first travel HQ gets petrol-bombed and national rail loses one of it's public transport-hardened customers.

Now someone help me 'tear down these walls'.

get couture.go to college.

The more i attend college the more i find it has the 'best' collection of dressed people in this region.
Previously singled out for my 'non-standard' dress sense by fashion-concious highschool peers and more noteably my own sister i feel even i have maintained 'Milan' standard in this setting.
Never have oddly-coloured leggings, turtle neck jumpers and floral-patterned pension-wear been more in abundance.
I feel quite comfortable and well-dressed in my vans flannel shirt, RiverIsland skinnies and classic Uggs.

hey college kids, get a life beyond the plastic finger puppets you're playing with beside me and get a fucking dress sense.

This links with a conversation i was having on the phone last night, band t-shirts will be eternally for the win; sorry sister.

'laughing fucking hard,
trying fucking harder'

Taking everything into account.

Initially, I'd say I'm letting things slip, if only just a little bit.
I wouldn't say I'm not motivated, because I am; just for all the wrong things.
I have three exams in the next week, if i fail you probably won't hear much from me because I'll be too disappointed with myself.
Well not disappointed; majorly pissed.

I need more sleep, and a california beach with a husky dog and a hand to hold.
I wonder which one i have more chance of achieving.

I'm full of love and adoration right now.
'Tell me you are not the sun'.